The Three Lions of the English Royal Arms are to be changed according to TWK drunkard and roving reporter Rusty Bullethole. It has been on the cards for a while although the momentum has gathered apace and the alterations are to be adopted as from the 1st January 2013.

It has long been apparent that the Royal Arms has not been representative of the country and its affiliation with the monarchy and now this has come to a head and instatement of a new Royal Arms is to be presented. Although the layout and final draft are to remain a secret the contents of the Coat of Arms has been revealed.

Present Coat of Arms – Its a bit too glitzy-glam and says “we’re all gay”

The present Royal Arms has evolved from the singular lion (stolen from the Norman times and kept in cold storage) to a duo of lions with a Queensbury Rules stance, and latterly into the three stretched out lazy lions. A slow progression from standing and fighting to the more lethargic and subdued ‘cat in front of a fire’ pose.

The motto is also up for renewal. The present Dieu et mon droit (divine right of monarchs to govern) is mooted as being horrendously outdated and has won an outright vote for replacement. So what are we to expect?

“Lions are a thing of the past”, detailed Andrew Brown of England.co.uk, “we needed to move with the times and make the monarchy appeal to contemporary followers until the reformation” tantalised the oversized Brown staring at his undersized telecommunication device, “Although I can’t reveal a draft drawing I can tell you what it will contain.” spewed Brown looking smug and pausing with length on purpose as if trying to draw me into the lair of suspense.

“It will contain a bottle of blue alco-pop, a doner kebab and a packet of 20 Rothman.”

20 Rothman – One of the symbolic fronts of our great nation

“The motto will be one of two: Bibamus, manducaverimus et manus which translates as we drink, we eat and then we fight. This keeps things in line with the media shows on our culture… Traffic Cops, Brit Cops, Road Cops, Speed Cops, Street Cops, Path Cops, Crimewatch, 999, Ross Kemp on Drugs, Alan Tichmarsh – A Rumble in the Country and of course Boris & Dave – My Big Fat Stupid Friend.”

“The second option is Copra Angliae.”

When questioned on the actuality of this being realised Mr Brown commented, “Well, if the Queen dies before the 1st January then its all bets off as we’re abandoning the monarchy after her anyway, the firing squads are on standby. We wouldn’t really let those other two gimboids into monarchy. Hahaha, nah as soon as she’s [Elizabeth II] popped her cloggs we’re all off down to the casino and then the pub. Until then we thought we’d have a laugh. We’re doing it a bit French, a bit Spanish and a whole lot of English.”

Her replacement token head of state will be the universally hated Jeremy Clarkson. “His arrogance and blasé racism/xenophobia are key attributes for the head of a state. Hopefully, somewhere along the line he, like many a good monarch, is also related to a long line of genocidal maniacal control freaks.”

Also we can confirm the rumours about the picture of the Queen on the back of monetary notes being replaced are TRUE – they are to be replaced by a photo of my mum at waterworld from 1987 with her titties out.

New picture to be featured on money.

Note: Please be aware that very creepy Alan Titchmarsh is a known countryphile and any information leading to his capture will be rewarded with a Community Action Trust Reward. Call Crimestoppers everytime he is on the TV.