Tag Archives: tommy disfiger

Celebrity Deaths – Not What They Used To Be

Plane crashes, motorbike smashes, Bermuda triangle mysteries, the slamming of a mini into a tree and of course the inevitable glamorous assassination have all been fantastic ways for many a past celebrity to enjoy a good death. Are celebrities becoming complacent in their deaths? Rusty Bullethole ponificates:

It seems apparent that the inevitable ‘tragic death of the great… (insert name of suitable applicant)’ is no longer likely to send shivers through spines or questions through minds as the dull drudgery of showbiz and celebrity deaths continues to bore and disappoint.

Death - Celebrities have a duty to make theirs interesting

Death – if you can make it funny, you should

“Celebrities and musicians are happier committing suicide at home in front of the tele with their feet up and a nice cup of tea nowadays.” commented high profile singer/guitarist Tommy Disfiger. Disfigers band, Free Choice Paradigm, are currently doing a worldwide tour of Derby and lead electric flutist Calvin Swine fears the pressure may well get to the band with deadly consequences, “Who knows”, commented the light fingered Swine, “You’re on stage one minute and the next you’re watching University Challenge, then up comes the question you can’t answer and the rage of not knowing ANY 17th century madrigal pushes you over the edge. You have the cup of tea, you open the Garibaldi’s and out comes the Ketamine, Valium, Amytriptaline, Vicodin, Haloperidol, Lithium, Ecstacy, Heroin, Ephedrine and Paracetamol. It’s an easy trap to fall into.”

It seems that there is an apathy in the celebrity world with many a personality claiming to have ‘cancer’ or ‘Alzheimer’s', not even ‘aids’ gets a mention much anymore. “Its like the creativity has been sucked out of dying.” said one former CBBC News presenter.

Haloperidol - Can make death quite 'samey'

Haloperidol: You can’t fly a starfighter, write a song and juggle your eyeballs when you’ve had this

One can only hope that the celebrity world picks itself up and kicks back in with a spate of exciting and untimely deaths. Rusty Bullethole picks out some of the past favourites:

John Denver - a classic cartoon moment…. his plane ran out of fuel. Always brings a smile to the face of anyone you tell.

Sonny Bono - While skiing took a bit of a wrong turn at 100mph and went face first into a tree. This is also a good punchline for many a cartoon gag.

Tennesse Williams - choked to death. Sounds a bit dull, but no, he choked to death on a bottle cap he was holding in his mouth as he applied eye drops. Quality sitcom gag occurring in real life.

Brandon Lee - one of the best comedy deaths, worthy of winning a Darwin Award – shot by a blank firing gun when a piece of lead from the previous shot was lodged in the barrel. Led to the line on a popular TV quiz show…. “Brandon Lee was killed by a blank.”

Mark Bolan - Brilliant. Not only could he not handle the demanding driving skills required to keep a mini on the road he managed to actually gather enough speed to make the crash deadly. A feat of its own. If only Herbie was a mini eh?

Mark Chapman - Cruelly assassinated by John Lennon who himself thought he was Mark Chapman, a successful artist with the Beatles before taking a severe nosedive with his solo career. In the end, saved us all from a lot of hypocritical spiel.

Mark Chapman - brilliantly assassinated

Mark Chapman – Just another rich ‘hippy’ with possessions.

New Console Talk Game Shunned by Retailers

Next month sees the launch of the much awaited real-time game “Talkback”. However, skeptics have denounced the new piece of entertainment software and there is fear that a retail backlash will prevent the launch of the game itself.

Talkback will cost in the region of £45, equivalent to a gram of coke, from most good sellers…IF it is realeased. So what is it and what’s all the hubub?

TWK gaming expert Rusty Bullethole investigates.

“It is essentially a marriage guidance game. It is a 2 player interaction game where the partners each wear a headset and communicate with each other via cartoonised characters on the screen. It takes the edge off of situations as when the characters are conversing they do cute things like dance therefore making the conversation between the two characters less tense.”

So how does it work and what are the benefits from this? TWK relationship counsellor Andy Brown goes into unnecessary detail.

“Definitely a tension diffuser, the game centres around the two characters exploring a pretend and magical world and stimulates conversation that enhances the teamwork required to complete the game.” spurted the string basher during a monumental washing up campaign.

“The game stimualtes interaction between the two characters and there are an array of objects, puzzles, tasks and tests for the ‘couple’ to complete. The developers clearly see the goal as completing the game will result in a better relationship where expression becomes paramount and understanding is comprehensive. Why do you think I’m washing up?”

When asked if there had been a noticeable improvement in his relationship with the wife he pointed to the sink again and said, “all roads lead to sex and I’m a 24 hour drivin’ man” [cue repeated thrusting movement of abdomen]. We assume he will be avoiding toll roads.

Game developer Tommy Disfiger of FCP Games, noted skeptics of Talkback, made this statement:

“Computer games aren’t about communication and interaction, they are about solitude and generating recluses in order to reduce the population. How are we going to cope if people have working relationships? What happens to all the lawyers?”

Tommy went on further to explain potentially devastating pitfalls:

“What if it doesn’t work. Frustration creeps in and before you know it the sirens are wailing. We could end up with wireless controllers being used as implements in anal rape and who would want to touch the controller after that?”.

Things to do out and about

Signs – They give an indication of the type of area you are in.

Talkback will be not be available in all stores by the end of Octember.