Plane crashes, motorbike smashes, Bermuda triangle mysteries, the slamming of a mini into a tree and of course the inevitable glamorous assassination have all been fantastic ways for many a past celebrity to enjoy a good death. Are celebrities becoming complacent in their deaths? Rusty Bullethole ponificates:
It seems apparent that the inevitable ‘tragic death of the great… (insert name of suitable applicant)’ is no longer likely to send shivers through spines or questions through minds as the dull drudgery of showbiz and celebrity deaths continues to bore and disappoint.
Death – if you can make it funny, you should
“Celebrities and musicians are happier committing suicide at home in front of the tele with their feet up and a nice cup of tea nowadays.” commented high profile singer/guitarist Tommy Disfiger. Disfigers band, Free Choice Paradigm, are currently doing a worldwide tour of Derby and lead electric flutist Calvin Swine fears the pressure may well get to the band with deadly consequences, “Who knows”, commented the light fingered Swine, “You’re on stage one minute and the next you’re watching University Challenge, then up comes the question you can’t answer and the rage of not knowing ANY 17th century madrigal pushes you over the edge. You have the cup of tea, you open the Garibaldi’s and out comes the Ketamine, Valium, Amytriptaline, Vicodin, Haloperidol, Lithium, Ecstacy, Heroin, Ephedrine and Paracetamol. It’s an easy trap to fall into.”
It seems that there is an apathy in the celebrity world with many a personality claiming to have ‘cancer’ or ‘Alzheimer’s', not even ‘aids’ gets a mention much anymore. “Its like the creativity has been sucked out of dying.” said one former CBBC News presenter.
Haloperidol: You can’t fly a starfighter, write a song and juggle your eyeballs when you’ve had this
One can only hope that the celebrity world picks itself up and kicks back in with a spate of exciting and untimely deaths. Rusty Bullethole picks out some of the past favourites:
John Denver - a classic cartoon moment…. his plane ran out of fuel. Always brings a smile to the face of anyone you tell.
Sonny Bono - While skiing took a bit of a wrong turn at 100mph and went face first into a tree. This is also a good punchline for many a cartoon gag.
Tennesse Williams - choked to death. Sounds a bit dull, but no, he choked to death on a bottle cap he was holding in his mouth as he applied eye drops. Quality sitcom gag occurring in real life.
Brandon Lee - one of the best comedy deaths, worthy of winning a Darwin Award – shot by a blank firing gun when a piece of lead from the previous shot was lodged in the barrel. Led to the line on a popular TV quiz show…. “Brandon Lee was killed by a blank.”
Mark Bolan - Brilliant. Not only could he not handle the demanding driving skills required to keep a mini on the road he managed to actually gather enough speed to make the crash deadly. A feat of its own. If only Herbie was a mini eh?
Mark Chapman - Cruelly assassinated by John Lennon who himself thought he was Mark Chapman, a successful artist with the Beatles before taking a severe nosedive with his solo career. In the end, saved us all from a lot of hypocritical spiel.
Mark Chapman – Just another rich ‘hippy’ with possessions.