Tag Archives: Rusty Bullethole

The Tea Little Pigs by Nick and Louise

Once upon a time in a cafe there on the table was a 3 dimensional marketing leaflet describing idyllic times when tea was refined and those that drank it sat on large decorative chairs with a comfort only fit for a regal leader. The story promotes the wondrous tale of a couple, Nick and Louise, who through their own efforts and sadness at the way tea has been treated in recent times have developed a small little company to reinvigorate the nation towards the love for tea again. Ahhhh. Rusty Bullethole is no mug (!) and he decided to do a bit of investigative journalism into this absurdi-tea.

So. Teapigs. Sounds jizzmatic doesn’t it? Perfect. Ideal. Just what us Brits want to hear. “Yes dammit Mrs Miggins the tea has taken a rogering and we’re here to apply the Anusol.” To me it sounded too good to be true. Basically it had more front than a banker on a yacht lighting his cigar with your former tax-pounds.

An Eighth of Tea: enough for a few spliffs

So small business eh? Run by Nick and Louise who ‘met while working for a really big tea company’. So who was this tea company and how did the dynamic duo deliver? The company of course was Tetley (band Tetley and Teapigs into google and off you go). Tetley fronted the cash for this little venture of Nick and Lousie (I wonder if they even exist?) and helped it to lose hundreds of thousands of pound through its first years….. the sweet tale just keeps those tears rolling doesn’t it?

It is the mark of the world with larger companies pulling the wool over your eyes and making you look a tit when you are conned into the belief that you are putting your hard earned dosh into the pocket of a couple of honest working class geezers, guv. I am not pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one.

Making Tea: It’s Hard Work

Lets look a little deeper…. Tetley and Teapigs are owned by Tata Global Beverage who are in turn part of the Tata Group – that well known small global empire company. Is it still feeling family run now? Still feel like it is all being produced from a little cottage in Cotswoldshire by a couple dressed in rags trying to make lfe better for us all at their own expense?

So, Tata – they are ethically sound then? Oh yes of course, oh I mean no, they are a bunch of tossers – they offered to bail out Union Carbide over the Bhopal disaster that killed thousands. The protesters killed at Kalinganagar was ‘unfortunate’ according to Tata as they continued with plans to build an environment raping steel plant in India. Oh and among many other things supplying hardware to aid the anti-democratic and oppressive Burman Junta keep on with its human rights atrocities.

Tata Global Friends Group

Back to Teapigs then. Owned (100% shareholding) by the 50th most valuable brand in the world (Tata). What is their mission… for people to “drink real tea” as opposed to “the slop that is crushed into dust and crammed into the nations teabag”. So tree-hugging Teapigs owners Nick and Louise who often sit at home reveling in the awesome smell of their own farts are encouraging people to “name and shame” hostelries that dare to sell you a crap cuppa. What crap cuppa is that then? The floor sweepings known as Tetley?

On a personal level I would love to meet Nick and Louise, mostly in a dark back alley with a kettle full of boiling water. But this is just another step in a world full of smoke and mirrors to make you think you might be doing something useful to society. Like what I hear you say? Well…

Innocent smoothies….. sold a huge stake to that well known cuddly eco-firm Coca-Cola.

Guilty Pleasures: Mo’ Money

Pret selling out to Maccy D’s….

Not that I liked either as I thought they were just a vehicle for shameless globalization (something they were supposed to be against) at the expense of their initial ethics.

Bellevue Tea, Lahloo Tea. These are currently independent tea brands (among others) that are not currently supported by huge globalized backing. Don’t be a mug. Get on the case.

The Footballing Genius?

There are many things that make us stand in awe of our peers and their historic equivalents. Whether it be designing huge steam engines, building enormous structures, long bridges, making metal birds that fly or igniting huge amounts of fuel so that tin cans that can reach the moon we are generally impressed, and rightly so.

By the recent laws of ball related hyperbole then Lionel Messi, Christiano Ronaldo and Isambard Kingdom Brunel should all be mentioned in the same breath. The spiraling absurdity of footballing influence on the exaggeration of exaggeration continues.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel - had to take his hat off to play

Kingdom Brunel: Right Midfielder/Defender Brighton & Hove Albion and England

So at what line then is genius drawn?

I once saw a bloke pick up the football in the right back position, dribble the ball to central midfield, execute a double section three way triangle passing before breaking out left with the ball, cutting in on the right to lob the ball to the opponents right (back) post which was then headed across the goal, back out to the edge of the area and said player then half volleyed into the bottom left corner past the despairing keeper. Brilliant.

Still one of the best team goals I have ever seen and better than any Messi goal. Why? It was on a cold February night with the uneven ground half frozen, the other half mud, the crowd non-existent, the weather was awful and the other team were more physical than a night in with Lee Chapman and Stan Collymore. Genius? Unlikely. I am unconvinced of its measure in the betterment of society. It was good though.

The same applies to Messi, like it or not in a few years time there will be another genius born and we will all have moved onto the new ‘best thing’. Lionel Messi is a great footballer and it should rest there. Otherwise we may as well be asking pygmy like pop stars to talk politics and run the country eh Bono? Where are your lucky charms now?

Achtung Bono – People are getting wise

In a recent match (Sheffield Wednesday v Leeds United) The Weasel Kickers witnessed the ultimate desperate attempts by a footballing commentator to invigorate the match as a young lad barely managing a jog down the line was heralded as having ‘lightning pace’. Coupled with repetition of the words “power”, “pace”, “goals” and “electric” the game (which was duller than a Noel Edmonds Christmas Show) entered into the farcical with Andy ‘Channels’ Townsend, Andy ‘Sugartits’ Gray or Garth ‘Cunt’ Crooks analogues regurgitating words designed to fuel the gilding of this porcine defecation.

This should lead into everyday life, for everyone, and for me every morning it begins with the pre-match interview and carries on from there with a few examples listed below:

Did you see that? He opened his eyes and the crowd went wild. That will be the start of something special.
He’s had a rough time with that duvet and he’s glad to leave it behind now and move on. It’s been affecting him both professionally and personally.
He walked over that carpet like it didn’t exist and now he’s onto the next one.
Teeth have never been quite so clean as they are today its a testament to the way these guys work at it, day in, day out. Sometimes for 3, maybe 4 minutes a time.
The kettle was slid under the tap with aplomb and the agility and balance shown in the turn was phenomenal and then it just slid into the housing as if it were made for it.
That dropped straight in, no messing, although there were a number of options open to him he managed to put that straight down the bowl without a splash.

Garth Crooks - he probably disagrees with you

Garth Crooks – you don’t want to sound like him

What is your internal commentator saying to you today?

Smear yourself with your own hyperbole!

Man Sells Deadly Space and its Hidden Threats

The former love affair of a once coveted frontier slowly dwindled until a man, named only as ‘Ted’, bought it for a singular English Pound last year. Now ‘Ted’ has become a multi-billionaire after selling his vast portfolio to Google. Astronomer Royale Rusty Bullethole precipitates:

Since its origin in the Universe Factory outer space has been growing at a rate second only to that of the population of the small and over-crowded United Island of Britain. Local authorities from around the world will gather in a small portakabin in Newark today in order to debate ‘outer space and its role within Big Society’.

With proposals such as housing our paedophiles to the dumping of radioactive waste the use of space has been for a longtime widely debated and to some extent crticised.

Space – fairly empty as it goes

“God sure ain’t short of a cupboard!”, mooted Andrew Brown in the lead article in the religious journal “Ignorama”. He continued: “…since its formation a few years ago, space has continued to expand and expand. The question is who is going to stop it? We didn’t have this problem 6000 years ago when it all started.”

Sure enough it has now become somewhat of a talking point between scientists and governing authorities as to how quickly space is exapnding and what it means to the population of the world, hence the need for urgent discussion. Newark being the marked centre of the universe seemed like a natural choice.

Newark – yes, it is an anagram of wanker.

Ted is a rich man and Google, who were once complaining of a lack of space for their servers, are now rich in not one, not two but three whole dimensions and maybe more. As astronomer royale I can honestly say don’t know what threat space poses but I can summarise in the words of Andrew Brown, “We could shoot it, or we could blow it up. We should probably do both.”

Multi-billionaire Ted was found on the floor of his bank rolling around pointing at people and crying with laughter, pointing some more and continuing to laugh.

Floody Hell: Democratic Super Storm Kills Less Americans than Guns.

As the USA sits in acorner with its knees up to its chin quitely whimpering the rest of the world stands with its hands on its hips saying “I told you so”, “You don’t listen do you?” and other evocative comments surely to cause outrage at this blog. Intermittent explorer Rusty Bullethole judges further:

Wind and rain is common place in most temperate parts of the world and yet when it comes hard, it comes hard and with meaning. Pointless hyperbole and misplaced metaphors are abundant in such circumstances and no one man can change the course of a rolling stone. Yet when a storm gets classified as a previously unheard of Super-Storm you know that means only one thing – the USA are involved.

Tropical Storm Sandy - induces poor metaphor association

Weather – it makes twats out of people

Other people have hurricanes, storms, cyclones and typhoons. Not America. It has to shout louder and stamp its feet harder than anyone that their railway isn’t working, their tele is off, the wind is blowing and that life is really, really hard without the tele – but mainly via twitter and facebook and endless grainy, crappy videos and commentary from people that TV would never normally allow. Where other parts of the world would have suffered tens of thousands dead, or at least killed, the USA escaped with a hundred or so dead, some injured and tubes that go under rivers (amazingly) flooded.

“The death toll is a fairly usual hourly total for a country sinking under the weight of its gun density.”, noted interim statistics lieutennant Blaze Switczetov, “We can only hope that they are all creationists.”

Creationism – Religion sticks its head in the sand even further.

The legacy of self-pity, amplified by whines of no money (who’s fault is that over-exuberant capitalist pigs?) could last for decades although with many on the eastern seaboard already going through hell as staple ‘food’ is becoming scarce, the timescales for normality to return could be a whole week. Emergency services such as hot dog stands and corn dog (?) sellers are not able to get through to the desperate crack heads and burning poor left floating on the streets of the highly affected poor areas.

“Who will rob us now?”, middle class stalwart Andrew Brown mooted, “Well I guess Mitt Romney has a few less opponents.” as he watched news pour in of lower class fatalities.

Rumours are already rife that this was in fact cooked up by Romney as a pre-election rouse to highlight further how Barrack Obama’s incompetence affects the nation. Speaking from a dry bit and surrounded by the less challenging middle classes Romney spouted of his disdain for the incumbent, “He let a normal storm become a Super-Storm”, said the Republican in yet another attempt to have a cheer arise that last 10 times longer than anything he says. Go on, say America again for another deafening moronic overture with over zealous and needless flag waving.

Quite frankly I gave up listening after that as that and went home to think of some other story with a bit more interest. Woo America. Woo New York (with its alleged legendary and now redundant Fire Brigade). Shitter eh. Try being in a lahar in Bangladesh or a black dude in New Orleans or a Polar Bear with no ice. Still, you can always let more oil out into the sea.

Bangladesh Car Wash – it does inside and outside.

As far as Obama goes, he said Miami will be next…..

Weasels Add Stickman

Weasel News is a bit slow recently because we have been busy with practicing with our new and improved line-up. Now with 50% extra Personage the New-Look-Weasel line-up is now more rust-proof than ever and with the addition of Pro-Argen-Baldy the new formula is ready to take the world of commerce by storm.

Now here’s the science bit: the addition of Pro-Vitamin Bald1 increases the tensile strength of the fibres that connect our collective consciousness to produce a fabric that is super-absorbent, flexible and strong. Also the maligned threesome is 50% whiter due to injected familial strains of genetically modified Chris. The band is now fully FDA approved and will encroach upon your audible sensibilities within the near future. This will only serve to benefit mankind and its evolutionary path.

Mr Bald is now installed as ‘STICKMAN’ so he is now comprised of several thinly drawn lines and a sort-of-drum-kit. It’s the best sort-of-drum-kit magic beans can buy.

Weasels Add New Stickman – and drummy stuff

Further to the integration of additional PV-Bald1 another movement has been made, it was a bowel movement and as it has now ceased there is no need to mention it further.

The Weasel Kickers are indeed looking forward to their next gig (although the date remains fluctuant, but we must be ‘right’ for it like the pontificating pansies we are) and thoughts about fully re-recording the new album are well under way. Expect to hear news on this front very soon. That’s right, in the not too distant future we will be telling you more about stuff you really don’t care about in order to break up your day a bit.

Same Shirt Different Day – Yes, it is deffo being recorded!

We’re so rock and roll we have been registering on seismometers for the last decade.

Bear with us and we will be back on the radar very soon. Like a big smudge on your windscreen.

Nottingham – Chav Density Increasing

Every Urban Centre appears to have at least one major ‘Chav’ area where the population density of the Chav far outweighs that of the Yummy Mummy, Volvo Family or the Ben-Sherman-Money-Clip Wide-Boy. Roaming diplomat and sex piston Rusty Bullethole bleats about the latest figures on Chav Density.

Nottingham and its environs. Home of many a depressed and surly famous person from the unappetising D.H. Lawrence and spew-fest romantiscist Lord Byron to the ignorant Kenneth Clarke and the population reducing Harold Shipman. It has been noted in recent months that the increase in the Chav Factor is spiralling out of control with almost every inner city ward a concern for Euro Ministers as Nottingham has become known to be ‘completely devoid of decency and humanity’, much like government.

DH Lawrence – he says c*nt a lot, like Chavs

TWK understand that as from the beginning of this month that the international scheme for the evacuation of people from Nottingham “not in falsely worn sportswear” will begin in order to place them in a safer environment although still with familiar surroundings, somewhere such as Damascus.

“Percentages of cheap (mainly white) tracksuits on people are at an all time high.”, stated Chavwatch President Andrew Brown, “Generally accentuated by the obligatory Greggs Bag, Poverty Buggy complete with dirty child and the ‘diamond’ or ‘tear’ tatoos on the faces of the barbarous heathens that are generally found spitting and occupying spaces outside cheap alcohol vendors. It’s not a good time for the UK.”

Chavs – Limited Numeracy Skills

It is noted that many of the areas in and around Nottingham: St Annes, Bulwell, Hucknall, Hyson Green, Broxtowe, etc. have long been suffering from sycophantism to the Chav from the pandering and court-case fearing Local Authorities. Local resident Mr Drunk was asked to explain away his typical day. We caught up with him outside the local branch of Boozebuster:

“Jus’ got me’sen sum Livakill Super.”, announced the 25 year-old, “An’ a Iceland Doner.”

An extensive tirade of abuse from the range of foreigners allowed in the country to the state of the NHS ensued before finally getting out the information required to make our assessment: “Ar, reight. Wos thou wanna know youf?”, and Mr Drunk reeled out a list of a variety of things that he may do during the day other than actually any form of work. TWK have listed them below as best as we could translate them.

- Pop dahn Boozebosters fer me Livakill (pop down first thing in the afternoon to the local off-licence for a pallete cleanser)
- Go ohm an’ watch a birra tele lark (go back to rent-a-dump and shout at various people of any race other than ones own with no apparent reason aside xenophobia or inherent low-intelligent racisim akin to the barbarian)
- Go n sit artside pahndshop and gerraslag (locate a bench in proximity to a local shop where I know I get value and see if I can find a nice lady to take for a meal)
- Go Maccy Ds and get sommat (nutrition is of high importance and this will surely balance out the Livakill I have been drinking since the age of 10)
- elp me lad fix opis wagon (to assist his 14 year old boy – inevitably called something like Kai, Mitchell or Mason – work on his B reg Nova with twin exhaust)
- Pop rahnd nt see me mate n get sum stuff (take a trip to the drug dealer and exhange some goods stolen from the poundshop for a selection pack of arsenic and stricnine laced produce)
- Get ready fer the naht lark (Put on ones best creased up white tracksuit complete with crack based rock burns and some LA-gangster based slogan emblazened upon it, don an amount of gold similar to a level found on Mr T ready to enjoy the evening)
- Go aht robbin or stabbin on me ‘patch’ (and then just join in the local fun with the local people on a typical night on the estate.)

Iceland – Killing off the poor.

“Chavtacular.”, commented the disillusioned Brown.

It appears that Nottingham has long since been the template for Chavism and the wave of infection seems to be gathering at a pace and spreading throughout the country. Obesity sits hand in glove with the Chav approach of “sausage roll and Maccy Ds diet” with some level of denial with the ordering of diet coke as some kind of trade-off. “I can only put it down to a clear lack of mirrors.” said a senior council source.

Sadly, the disease is spreading further at an alarming rate, my own siblings family long since contracted the disease. With blobby children that do not even realise they are fat and unfit, where racism is confused with patriotism and with a blatant unwillingness to accept what is ejaculating on their faces – the signs are clearly there and escalating. Alongside a modicum of self-congratulation at every mundane task in order to eat chocolate/maccy d/greggs/only drink cheap pop or cheap vodka and abstain from important parenting/basic thinking/exercise/basic social awareness there is a definite movement for the chav-parent towards being concilliatory all of the time.

“Well, innit, as long asegot [they have] cheap vodka, porn n shit [reading material and a whole host of hydrogentaed vegetable fat based snacks] and they’re happy what fookin difference doit [does it] make, innit?”, noted mum and auntie of four, Keeley, 15 from St Annes. Tapping the bump on her belly she recited, “cash in da bank.”

Chavwatch are concerned you may not know if you are entering into a Chavzone and they have determined the best correlation to Chavism is generally nomenclature. So should you hear or note any of the following names in close proximity to yourself you have the right to notify the authorities:

Kai, Courtney, Jade, Jordan, Kylie, Paige, Chelsea, Beyonce, Kieron, Mason, Declan, Mitchell, Kayleigh, Chantelle, Keeley, Chelseigh, Britney, Sky, Storm, Autumn, Nike, India, Kade, Cindy, Toni, Dwayne, Reece, Chayse, Brooklyn, Damon, Myles, Kyle, Josh, Courtnee, Mia, Tyler, Spencer, Raquel, Aleisha, Chardonnay, McKenzie, Sambuca, Crystal, Kane, Hunter, Bianca.

Weasel Kickers Quality Clothing Store

World Wide Recession Attributed to Etch A Sketch Creation

As we come up to the 3 year anniversary of the Global Economic Crisis (GEC), TWK tries to make sense of the world wide ‘crash’ which has obliterated peoples Savings, Homes, Itineraries, and Time, leading to nothing but supposed ‘hatred’ for the people that keep their money safe at night – Bankers!

We propose a different source for the recession.

TWK co-correspondent Chris White takes up his personal storyventure:

“When the initial news came that we here in the midst of a world wide depression my wife instantly phoned the doctor and asked for an immediate prescription of prozac. I put the phone down for her and said “no, not that type of depression”, and we ventured out into night to the next bar and got absolutely mortalled on jaegarbombs and kebabs”.

“Clearly we had no idea of the scale of the problem but something stirred deep in our hearts and brough horrible flashbacks to pre-bust days ”

The initial problem was merely compounded by an obsession with re-runs of the infamous cult TV programme ‘The Money Programme’ between 1996 and 1999. “One night me and my pregnant wife replayed the theme tune about 46 thousand times, because it literally depicted the seriousness of the historical macro economical situation within 30 seconds, no-one has ever touched our lives in such a way” Chris professed. ”the theme tune alone sets the scene for a true fiscal soap opera”.

Stocks and Fiscal Soaps – deffo a link

Little did they know that the jazzed-up thememaster crebation tune was subliminally entering the mind of their to-be born son (named Daniel) whilst he was sleeping in his mothers womb, leading to effects that can only be described as ‘extraordinary’.

“By the time Daniel was 5 years old he had surpassed the ability to play avant garde jazz on the piano whilst simultaneously being able to calculate complex stockmarket related logarithms”. Chris continues “At 6 he was managing our incomes and bank accounts and had floated several companies onto the stock exchange!!”.

His pièce de résistance; however, was created using something more basic – a jumped-up red pre-generation ipad powered only only by a stilo, fingers and aluminium powder. It was utilised by millions around the world not flippant enough to purchase paper, pencils and erasers on a whim. We refer, of course, to the ‘Etch a Sketch’. The gravity of his little depiction on the ‘cry pad’ in 2005 was scary……very SCARY, and mirrored those market ‘crashes” actually witnessed three years later in 2008.

“During the early 2000′s it hadn’t even crossed my mind until now, but when i picked up my son’s etch a sketch pad it was a futuristic almanac right there in front of my eyes, pathing the way for inevitable hatred for the banking system. Hindsight is a wonderful thing”.

What Chris’ son had actually done was predict the EXACT current economic trend three years before reality.

“Now it all makes sense, before he went to bed at night little Daniel had uncontrollable urges to paraphrase from that well known movie The Sixth Sense – all he kept saying was “i see unemployed people!”.

Doodle art – unbelievable tekkers

In a cruel twist of fate and conversely, the Nostradamus – esque qualities of the boy also predicted increased viewing figures for the Jeremy Kyle show, which actively celebrates diatribes of dysfunctional debate amongst the unemployed in the UK. Viewing figures are up, as reported today, by 7.4% totalling 2.67million.

Southern Europeans Urged to Work

The halcyon days of lounging around listening to music, eating vast swathes of food, drinking cocktails on beaches full of naked whores and smashing plates/throwing donkeys off of churches could all be coming to an abrupt end in Southern Europe. Foreign correspondent Andrew Brown reports from the hedonistic Mediterranean lands:

Austerity measures are currently being drawn up to form some kind of system whereby the electorate pay towards the running of the state rather than leaving the workaday northern Europeans to bail them out once they have run out of hard cash.

Pretend Money - Worth more than the Euro in Greece

The Euro – might as well look like this

It is understood that Northern Europeans are becoming increasingly annoyed with the Southern European states for staying out late on week nights, not coming home at all on some weekends and also making a lot of noise while the Northerners are trying to sleep and have to get up for work in the morning.

Plate Breaking – A sure fire way to increase expenditure

While continually frittering away money and coming back to ask for more has seemed like a workable system of management for the lazy Southerners it is now untenable at best and the Southerners fear they may actually have to get a job. Moreover, they fear that they have to part with some of that conceptually inaugural ‘hard-earned’ money to make sure that the country can afford to keep running.

One kebab shop owner, Mr Drunkos, complained, “I do not know what this means to me and my family. Perhaps we must open tomorrow. Maybe two days in a week. So maybe only five days in a week are we drunk, not six, not seven. No more. This, my wife, she says no more smashing. I can no more run down the street throwing plates at a children. No smashing. What do you do when no smashing? Here, we drink. But no drinking. You get out now. I cut your face. Chillimintsauce!”

Kebab Shop Owners – they look like Alexi Sayle

Across the whole of Southern Europe the inhabitants are set to begin the suffering imparted by the lack of any form of government or good management. So how did it get to this level of tax avoidance, how did the economy get into such a two and eight that the morale of every Southern European is lower than a Sun Reporter? It is understood that a master plan is hatching with a new Premier appointment likely as England dithers on whether or not to appoint Harry Redknapp as its new Prime Minister.

'Arry Redknapp - Good with Economic Troubles

Harry”‘I’m telling the truth Guv’nor” Redknapp – Good with Tax issues.

New Console Talk Game Shunned by Retailers

Next month sees the launch of the much awaited real-time game “Talkback”. However, skeptics have denounced the new piece of entertainment software and there is fear that a retail backlash will prevent the launch of the game itself.

Talkback will cost in the region of £45, equivalent to a gram of coke, from most good sellers…IF it is realeased. So what is it and what’s all the hubub?

TWK gaming expert Rusty Bullethole investigates.

“It is essentially a marriage guidance game. It is a 2 player interaction game where the partners each wear a headset and communicate with each other via cartoonised characters on the screen. It takes the edge off of situations as when the characters are conversing they do cute things like dance therefore making the conversation between the two characters less tense.”

So how does it work and what are the benefits from this? TWK relationship counsellor Andy Brown goes into unnecessary detail.

“Definitely a tension diffuser, the game centres around the two characters exploring a pretend and magical world and stimulates conversation that enhances the teamwork required to complete the game.” spurted the string basher during a monumental washing up campaign.

“The game stimualtes interaction between the two characters and there are an array of objects, puzzles, tasks and tests for the ‘couple’ to complete. The developers clearly see the goal as completing the game will result in a better relationship where expression becomes paramount and understanding is comprehensive. Why do you think I’m washing up?”

When asked if there had been a noticeable improvement in his relationship with the wife he pointed to the sink again and said, “all roads lead to sex and I’m a 24 hour drivin’ man” [cue repeated thrusting movement of abdomen]. We assume he will be avoiding toll roads.

Game developer Tommy Disfiger of FCP Games, noted skeptics of Talkback, made this statement:

“Computer games aren’t about communication and interaction, they are about solitude and generating recluses in order to reduce the population. How are we going to cope if people have working relationships? What happens to all the lawyers?”

Tommy went on further to explain potentially devastating pitfalls:

“What if it doesn’t work. Frustration creeps in and before you know it the sirens are wailing. We could end up with wireless controllers being used as implements in anal rape and who would want to touch the controller after that?”.

Signs – They give an indication of the type of area you are in.

Talkback will be not be available in all stores by the end of Octember.

‘Small’ Turnout Disrupts Kiwi Hobbit Casting Session

http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/police-called-to-the-hobbit-casting.html

’Small’ turnout disrupts Kiwi Hobbit Casting

TWK were surprised recently to hear from colleagues in New Zealand when the local populus went “bat-shit crazy” at a local casting session for a new movie, affectionately referred to locally as “The greatest event to grace New Zealand mate”.

New Zealand – gives Photoshop a workout

Almost 5,000 hopefuls descended upon the casting arena, a small racecourse off Whakapootee Way, in Charleston. They visited hoping to be rewareded with a big part in the movie. TWK band members Rusty Bullethole and Andy Brown didn’t partake in the procedings, but watched the madness unfold from a nearby motorway.

Andy B reported “its like mass hysteria down there, the biggest gang-bang to take place amongst the smallest people on the planet. You could place your thumb at arms length and cover a thousand people”.

Latest reports suggested that one vertically challenged hopeful from Italy was offended when the Director of the forthcoming movie hollered across the crowd “somebody get me an 18 inch guiseppe”. The dwarf later realised that the Director was, in fact, asking for a pizza after a long day behind the cameras. Guiseppe was quite relieved after this mix-up as his timid 3 inches was “never going to be enough”.

Government officials are concerned as to what will happen to the amount of discarded wannabe-hobbits post audition but the news of a new Wombles film to also be shot in the area has alleviated fears.

The Wombles – creating job opportunities for Hobbit rejects

Weasel Kicker Practice Goes On

Brave band members Andy B and Rusty B will soldier on tonight despite fears that temperatures in the UK could reach ‘quite cold’. Armed to the teeth with gloves, scarves and various other items of clothes the boys will not let this ‘chilly spell’ stop them working away on the forthcoming releases and also will not falter in their attempts to practice for the next gig.

Weasel Member (as his friends call him) Rusty Bullethole explains, “Yes I understand that temperatures might be as low as very cold. Maybe we’ll practice in the house tonight.”

When confronted with the conundrum in the early hours of the morning fellow Member Andy B also commented, “f&*k off its 5 int morning.”

The Weasel Kickers practice is broadcast tonight live from the 2nd storey window.

The Weasel Kickers go WordPress

The Weasel Kickers – "Shit Band, No Fans"

Not sucking the cock of the music industry