Every Urban Centre appears to have at least one major ‘Chav’ area where the population density of the Chav far outweighs that of the Yummy Mummy, Volvo Family or the Ben-Sherman-Money-Clip Wide-Boy. Roaming diplomat and sex piston Rusty Bullethole bleats about the latest figures on Chav Density.

Nottingham and its environs. Home of many a depressed and surly famous person from the unappetising D.H. Lawrence and spew-fest romantiscist Lord Byron to the ignorant Kenneth Clarke and the population reducing Harold Shipman. It has been noted in recent months that the increase in the Chav Factor is spiralling out of control with almost every inner city ward a concern for Euro Ministers as Nottingham has become known to be ‘completely devoid of decency and humanity’, much like government.

TWK understand that as from the beginning of this month that the international scheme for the evacuation of people from Nottingham “not in falsely worn sportswear” will begin in order to place them in a safer environment although still with familiar surroundings, somewhere such as Damascus.

“Percentages of cheap (mainly white) tracksuits on people are at an all time high.”, stated Chavwatch President Andrew Brown, “Generally accentuated by the obligatory Greggs Bag, Poverty Buggy complete with dirty child and the ‘diamond’ or ‘tear’ tatoos on the faces of the barbarous heathens that are generally found spitting and occupying spaces outside cheap alcohol vendors. It’s not a good time for the UK.”

It is noted that many of the areas in and around Nottingham: St Annes, Bulwell, Hucknall, Hyson Green, Broxtowe, etc. have long been suffering from sycophantism to the Chav from the pandering and court-case fearing Local Authorities. Local resident Mr Drunk was asked to explain away his typical day. We caught up with him outside the local branch of Boozebuster:

“Jus’ got me’sen sum Livakill Super.”, announced the 25 year-old, “An’ a Iceland Doner.”

An extensive tirade of abuse from the range of foreigners allowed in the country to the state of the NHS ensued before finally getting out the information required to make our assessment: “Ar, reight. Wos thou wanna know youf?”, and Mr Drunk reeled out a list of a variety of things that he may do during the day other than actually any form of work. TWK have listed them below as best as we could translate them.

- Pop dahn Boozebosters fer me Livakill (pop down first thing in the afternoon to the local off-licence for a pallete cleanser)
- Go ohm an’ watch a birra tele lark (go back to rent-a-dump and shout at various people of any race other than ones own with no apparent reason aside xenophobia or inherent low-intelligent racisim akin to the barbarian)
- Go n sit artside pahndshop and gerraslag (locate a bench in proximity to a local shop where I know I get value and see if I can find a nice lady to take for a meal)
- Go Maccy Ds and get sommat (nutrition is of high importance and this will surely balance out the Livakill I have been drinking since the age of 10)
- elp me lad fix opis wagon (to assist his 14 year old boy – inevitably called something like Kai, Mitchell or Mason – work on his B reg Nova with twin exhaust)
- Pop rahnd nt see me mate n get sum stuff (take a trip to the drug dealer and exhange some goods stolen from the poundshop for a selection pack of arsenic and stricnine laced produce)
- Get ready fer the naht lark (Put on ones best creased up white tracksuit complete with crack based rock burns and some LA-gangster based slogan emblazened upon it, don an amount of gold similar to a level found on Mr T ready to enjoy the evening)
- Go aht robbin or stabbin on me ‘patch’ (and then just join in the local fun with the local people on a typical night on the estate.)

“Chavtacular.”, commented the disillusioned Brown.

It appears that Nottingham has long since been the template for Chavism and the wave of infection seems to be gathering at a pace and spreading throughout the country. Obesity sits hand in glove with the Chav approach of “sausage roll and Maccy Ds diet” with some level of denial with the ordering of diet coke as some kind of trade-off. “I can only put it down to a clear lack of mirrors.” said a senior council source.

Sadly, the disease is spreading further at an alarming rate, my own siblings family long since contracted the disease. With blobby children that do not even realise they are fat and unfit, where racism is confused with patriotism and with a blatant unwillingness to accept what is ejaculating on their faces – the signs are clearly there and escalating. Alongside a modicum of self-congratulation at every mundane task in order to eat chocolate/maccy d/greggs/only drink cheap pop or cheap vodka and abstain from important parenting/basic thinking/exercise/basic social awareness there is a definite movement for the chav-parent towards being concilliatory all of the time.

“Well, innit, as long asegot [they have] cheap vodka, porn n shit [reading material and a whole host of hydrogentaed vegetable fat based snacks] and they’re happy what fookin difference doit [does it] make, innit?”, noted mum and auntie of four, Keeley, 15 from St Annes. Tapping the bump on her belly she recited, “cash in da bank.”

Chavwatch are concerned you may not know if you are entering into a Chavzone and they have determined the best correlation to Chavism is generally nomenclature. So should you hear or note any of the following names in close proximity to yourself you have the right to notify the authorities:

Kai, Courtney, Jade, Jordan, Kylie, Paige, Chelsea, Beyonce, Kieron, Mason, Declan, Mitchell, Kayleigh, Chantelle, Keeley, Chelseigh, Britney, Sky, Storm, Autumn, Nike, India, Kade, Cindy, Toni, Dwayne, Reece, Chayse, Brooklyn, Damon, Myles, Kyle, Josh, Courtnee, Mia, Tyler, Spencer, Raquel, Aleisha, Chardonnay, McKenzie, Sambuca, Crystal, Kane, Hunter, Bianca.