Tag Archives: Derby

The Tea Little Pigs by Nick and Louise

Once upon a time in a cafe there on the table was a 3 dimensional marketing leaflet describing idyllic times when tea was refined and those that drank it sat on large decorative chairs with a comfort only fit for a regal leader. The story promotes the wondrous tale of a couple, Nick and Louise, who through their own efforts and sadness at the way tea has been treated in recent times have developed a small little company to reinvigorate the nation towards the love for tea again. Ahhhh. Rusty Bullethole is no mug (!) and he decided to do a bit of investigative journalism into this absurdi-tea.

So. Teapigs. Sounds jizzmatic doesn’t it? Perfect. Ideal. Just what us Brits want to hear. “Yes dammit Mrs Miggins the tea has taken a rogering and we’re here to apply the Anusol.” To me it sounded too good to be true. Basically it had more front than a banker on a yacht lighting his cigar with your former tax-pounds.

An Eighth of Tea: enough for a few spliffs

So small business eh? Run by Nick and Louise who ‘met while working for a really big tea company’. So who was this tea company and how did the dynamic duo deliver? The company of course was Tetley (band Tetley and Teapigs into google and off you go). Tetley fronted the cash for this little venture of Nick and Lousie (I wonder if they even exist?) and helped it to lose hundreds of thousands of pound through its first years….. the sweet tale just keeps those tears rolling doesn’t it?

It is the mark of the world with larger companies pulling the wool over your eyes and making you look a tit when you are conned into the belief that you are putting your hard earned dosh into the pocket of a couple of honest working class geezers, guv. I am not pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one.

Making Tea: It’s Hard Work

Lets look a little deeper…. Tetley and Teapigs are owned by Tata Global Beverage who are in turn part of the Tata Group – that well known small global empire company. Is it still feeling family run now? Still feel like it is all being produced from a little cottage in Cotswoldshire by a couple dressed in rags trying to make lfe better for us all at their own expense?

So, Tata – they are ethically sound then? Oh yes of course, oh I mean no, they are a bunch of tossers – they offered to bail out Union Carbide over the Bhopal disaster that killed thousands. The protesters killed at Kalinganagar was ‘unfortunate’ according to Tata as they continued with plans to build an environment raping steel plant in India. Oh and among many other things supplying hardware to aid the anti-democratic and oppressive Burman Junta keep on with its human rights atrocities.

Tata Global Friends Group

Back to Teapigs then. Owned (100% shareholding) by the 50th most valuable brand in the world (Tata). What is their mission… for people to “drink real tea” as opposed to “the slop that is crushed into dust and crammed into the nations teabag”. So tree-hugging Teapigs owners Nick and Louise who often sit at home reveling in the awesome smell of their own farts are encouraging people to “name and shame” hostelries that dare to sell you a crap cuppa. What crap cuppa is that then? The floor sweepings known as Tetley?

On a personal level I would love to meet Nick and Louise, mostly in a dark back alley with a kettle full of boiling water. But this is just another step in a world full of smoke and mirrors to make you think you might be doing something useful to society. Like what I hear you say? Well…

Innocent smoothies….. sold a huge stake to that well known cuddly eco-firm Coca-Cola.

Guilty Pleasures: Mo’ Money

Pret selling out to Maccy D’s….

Not that I liked either as I thought they were just a vehicle for shameless globalization (something they were supposed to be against) at the expense of their initial ethics.

Bellevue Tea, Lahloo Tea. These are currently independent tea brands (among others) that are not currently supported by huge globalized backing. Don’t be a mug. Get on the case.

Weasels Add Stickman

Weasel News is a bit slow recently because we have been busy with practicing with our new and improved line-up. Now with 50% extra Personage the New-Look-Weasel line-up is now more rust-proof than ever and with the addition of Pro-Argen-Baldy the new formula is ready to take the world of commerce by storm.

Now here’s the science bit: the addition of Pro-Vitamin Bald1 increases the tensile strength of the fibres that connect our collective consciousness to produce a fabric that is super-absorbent, flexible and strong. Also the maligned threesome is 50% whiter due to injected familial strains of genetically modified Chris. The band is now fully FDA approved and will encroach upon your audible sensibilities within the near future. This will only serve to benefit mankind and its evolutionary path.

Mr Bald is now installed as ‘STICKMAN’ so he is now comprised of several thinly drawn lines and a sort-of-drum-kit. It’s the best sort-of-drum-kit magic beans can buy.

Weasels Add New Stickman – and drummy stuff

Further to the integration of additional PV-Bald1 another movement has been made, it was a bowel movement and as it has now ceased there is no need to mention it further.

The Weasel Kickers are indeed looking forward to their next gig (although the date remains fluctuant, but we must be ‘right’ for it like the pontificating pansies we are) and thoughts about fully re-recording the new album are well under way. Expect to hear news on this front very soon. That’s right, in the not too distant future we will be telling you more about stuff you really don’t care about in order to break up your day a bit.

Same Shirt Different Day – Yes, it is deffo being recorded!

We’re so rock and roll we have been registering on seismometers for the last decade.

Bear with us and we will be back on the radar very soon. Like a big smudge on your windscreen.

World Wide Recession Attributed to Etch A Sketch Creation

As we come up to the 3 year anniversary of the Global Economic Crisis (GEC), TWK tries to make sense of the world wide ‘crash’ which has obliterated peoples Savings, Homes, Itineraries, and Time, leading to nothing but supposed ‘hatred’ for the people that keep their money safe at night – Bankers!

We propose a different source for the recession.

TWK co-correspondent Chris White takes up his personal storyventure:

“When the initial news came that we here in the midst of a world wide depression my wife instantly phoned the doctor and asked for an immediate prescription of prozac. I put the phone down for her and said “no, not that type of depression”, and we ventured out into night to the next bar and got absolutely mortalled on jaegarbombs and kebabs”.

“Clearly we had no idea of the scale of the problem but something stirred deep in our hearts and brough horrible flashbacks to pre-bust days ”

The initial problem was merely compounded by an obsession with re-runs of the infamous cult TV programme ‘The Money Programme’ between 1996 and 1999. “One night me and my pregnant wife replayed the theme tune about 46 thousand times, because it literally depicted the seriousness of the historical macro economical situation within 30 seconds, no-one has ever touched our lives in such a way” Chris professed. ”the theme tune alone sets the scene for a true fiscal soap opera”.

Stocks and Fiscal Soaps – deffo a link

Little did they know that the jazzed-up thememaster crebation tune was subliminally entering the mind of their to-be born son (named Daniel) whilst he was sleeping in his mothers womb, leading to effects that can only be described as ‘extraordinary’.

“By the time Daniel was 5 years old he had surpassed the ability to play avant garde jazz on the piano whilst simultaneously being able to calculate complex stockmarket related logarithms”. Chris continues “At 6 he was managing our incomes and bank accounts and had floated several companies onto the stock exchange!!”.

His pièce de résistance; however, was created using something more basic – a jumped-up red pre-generation ipad powered only only by a stilo, fingers and aluminium powder. It was utilised by millions around the world not flippant enough to purchase paper, pencils and erasers on a whim. We refer, of course, to the ‘Etch a Sketch’. The gravity of his little depiction on the ‘cry pad’ in 2005 was scary……very SCARY, and mirrored those market ‘crashes” actually witnessed three years later in 2008.

“During the early 2000′s it hadn’t even crossed my mind until now, but when i picked up my son’s etch a sketch pad it was a futuristic almanac right there in front of my eyes, pathing the way for inevitable hatred for the banking system. Hindsight is a wonderful thing”.

What Chris’ son had actually done was predict the EXACT current economic trend three years before reality.

“Now it all makes sense, before he went to bed at night little Daniel had uncontrollable urges to paraphrase from that well known movie The Sixth Sense – all he kept saying was “i see unemployed people!”.

Doodle art – unbelievable tekkers

In a cruel twist of fate and conversely, the Nostradamus – esque qualities of the boy also predicted increased viewing figures for the Jeremy Kyle show, which actively celebrates diatribes of dysfunctional debate amongst the unemployed in the UK. Viewing figures are up, as reported today, by 7.4% totalling 2.67million.

Snow Way – Sensationalism Hits New Heights

It doesn’t matter how much snow there is or whether temperatures actually drop to cold or not, all of the newspapers this week will warn of an imminent ‘Big Freeze’ substituting science for conjecture and reality with hype it seems this week could prove pivotal in the race for the ‘Big Bullshit’. Competition is fierce. Rusty Bullethole misinterprets:

The erection of a 5 foot snow cock on Chav Drive, Derby, UK epitomised the sense of impending doom throughout the UK this weekend. Local layabout Andrew Brown lamented whilst consuming his 5th can of White Flash, “I dunt giya fook.”

Snow – There are always hidden dangers

Councillors and journalists alike have refused to take a blase attitude and attempts to diffuse this apathy have been vehement. “There is clearly a need for alarm.”, slurred Rusty Bullethole of the Campaign for Local Apathy Protection. Our information group aims to get the message into the public domain that action is required. “If people want more information on apathy protection they should come and join us – get involved with CLAP.”

Despite the Newspapers having little to report on than the obligatory airport closure, cancelled bus runs and the clusters of local schools closures the public are not heeding the warnings put out by central government. Hoardes of people have been seen out in the snow smiling and laughing not caring about the messages of death and disaster that have been delivered perpetually through our doorsteps, into our newsagents and pasted across every news channel with the same overturned lorry spilling a lethal cocktail of orange juice, chicken livers and Calgon.

Schools - breeding grounds for H&S issues

Snow – it makes people drive like twats

Rusty Bullethole labelled the ongoing snow bound antics of the British Public as “Wreckless and blatantly spitting a greenie in the face of public concern”. Many a journalist can feed their young now during the coming weeks by researching and publishing many a doom-laden phrase, such as ‘cold snaps’, ‘temperature inversions’, ‘global cooling’ up to, and including, the irresistible ’ice ages’.

Mr Bald Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Twat mumbled, “….poxy microphone out of my face you little prick.” before launching a scathing attack on, we assume, the British Public for their failure to react to such knee-jerk hyperbole and misrepresentation of fact, “cocking tossers”, with reaction continuing by kicking a fire hydrant and attempting to employ it as a metaphor, “See that? It’s there and not affecting anything.” cadjoled the folically challenged editor who then proceeded to rip it out of the ground and throw it at a scattering of desperate hacks whilst trumpeting “where’s your god now, eh, WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?”

With such a stark statement it is clear that we the public do not know, nor appreciate, the dangers presented to us by things in general. Sure, the snow may ‘look’ like it is thawing, it even may ‘feel warm’ but at the behest of the journalistic hierarchy the public are urged to observe the reality of the situation and should at all times bow to the knowledge of the Press Association.

“I didn’t realise it could be so bad.” reflected Andrew Brown after his 7th can of White Flash, “I’m sat out here in my jeans and jumper when I just read I might be dying of hypothermia. It could be happening to everyone.”

At 10:19am on Monday 6th February 2012, after his 8th can of White Flash, Andrew Brown sadly lost the battle to retain the use of his sense of personal responsibility. Black cans will be purchased throughout the morning in memory of this loss of common sense.

Super Cider – the British alternative to emotion

Sportsday Live – Transfer Deadline Day

No Movement for Weasels on Deadline Day – official statement from WeaselOffice. Despite the cold it seems that transfer rumours are rife although there has been an unambiguous statement from the WeaselOffice.

Early season rumours of various movements in and out of the weasel fold were today quashed like a Ryan Giggs Shag Story. “There may be a possibility for a temporary loan out but that would be on a gig-by-gig basis and it would be in the short term as we need our full squad for the upcoming fixtures.”, said reserve team coach Rusty Bullethole.

It has been rumoured that there may be a loan signing coming in to the Weasel fold but again the WeaselOffice has been very cagey about this, possibly to put other suitors off the scent. “We like to do our business in private.”, noted head coach Andy Brown. “I don’t like my business to be smeared all over for the public to see. I like keeping my business close to me. I know my business and I like it. Others can see my business when the time is right but until then my business is my own and what I do with it is of little concern to anyone else.”, spouted the guitar player.

“I’ve seen Andy do his business before. It’s worth watching, he’s got better at it over the years. Especially at this point in the season. If you want a lesson in how to do your business, then watch this man. You could watch him do his business all week and still be learning stuff on Friday afternoon. The shear amount of business sometimes can be quite amazing.” [Rusty Bullethole]

Andrew Brown – As strict as team coaches get

Rusty Bullethole once had a half season as a professional at League Two side Fostock Argonauts. Enjoying his time there back in the heady days of 1987 Bullethole went on to make several appearances at other League Two grounds until injury forced an early retirement. Speaking about Bullethole on Football Focus Gary Lineker said he had rarely met anyone like Bullethole and there has not been a better floodlight lightbulb replacement technician since. “I’ve not been the same since I bent my fingers, but I can still look back on those good times.”

You can read the full story in the forthcoming book “Bullethole – 400 Watts, 13 Amps but One Way of Life”. Available nowhere soon.

Weasel Kicker Practice Goes On

Brave band members Andy B and Rusty B will soldier on tonight despite fears that temperatures in the UK could reach ‘quite cold’. Armed to the teeth with gloves, scarves and various other items of clothes the boys will not let this ‘chilly spell’ stop them working away on the forthcoming releases and also will not falter in their attempts to practice for the next gig.

Weasel Member (as his friends call him) Rusty Bullethole explains, “Yes I understand that temperatures might be as low as very cold. Maybe we’ll practice in the house tonight.”

When confronted with the conundrum in the early hours of the morning fellow Member Andy B also commented, “f&*k off its 5 int morning.”

The Weasel Kickers practice is broadcast tonight live from the 2nd storey window.

The Weasel Kickers go WordPress

The Weasel Kickers – "Shit Band, No Fans"

Not sucking the cock of the music industry