Tag Archives: comedy

The Tea Little Pigs by Nick and Louise

Once upon a time in a cafe there on the table was a 3 dimensional marketing leaflet describing idyllic times when tea was refined and those that drank it sat on large decorative chairs with a comfort only fit for a regal leader. The story promotes the wondrous tale of a couple, Nick and Louise, who through their own efforts and sadness at the way tea has been treated in recent times have developed a small little company to reinvigorate the nation towards the love for tea again. Ahhhh. Rusty Bullethole is no mug (!) and he decided to do a bit of investigative journalism into this absurdi-tea.

So. Teapigs. Sounds jizzmatic doesn’t it? Perfect. Ideal. Just what us Brits want to hear. “Yes dammit Mrs Miggins the tea has taken a rogering and we’re here to apply the Anusol.” To me it sounded too good to be true. Basically it had more front than a banker on a yacht lighting his cigar with your former tax-pounds.

An Eighth of Tea: enough for a few spliffs

So small business eh? Run by Nick and Louise who ‘met while working for a really big tea company’. So who was this tea company and how did the dynamic duo deliver? The company of course was Tetley (band Tetley and Teapigs into google and off you go). Tetley fronted the cash for this little venture of Nick and Lousie (I wonder if they even exist?) and helped it to lose hundreds of thousands of pound through its first years….. the sweet tale just keeps those tears rolling doesn’t it?

It is the mark of the world with larger companies pulling the wool over your eyes and making you look a tit when you are conned into the belief that you are putting your hard earned dosh into the pocket of a couple of honest working class geezers, guv. I am not pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one.

Making Tea: It’s Hard Work

Lets look a little deeper…. Tetley and Teapigs are owned by Tata Global Beverage who are in turn part of the Tata Group – that well known small global empire company. Is it still feeling family run now? Still feel like it is all being produced from a little cottage in Cotswoldshire by a couple dressed in rags trying to make lfe better for us all at their own expense?

So, Tata – they are ethically sound then? Oh yes of course, oh I mean no, they are a bunch of tossers – they offered to bail out Union Carbide over the Bhopal disaster that killed thousands. The protesters killed at Kalinganagar was ‘unfortunate’ according to Tata as they continued with plans to build an environment raping steel plant in India. Oh and among many other things supplying hardware to aid the anti-democratic and oppressive Burman Junta keep on with its human rights atrocities.

Tata Global Friends Group

Back to Teapigs then. Owned (100% shareholding) by the 50th most valuable brand in the world (Tata). What is their mission… for people to “drink real tea” as opposed to “the slop that is crushed into dust and crammed into the nations teabag”. So tree-hugging Teapigs owners Nick and Louise who often sit at home reveling in the awesome smell of their own farts are encouraging people to “name and shame” hostelries that dare to sell you a crap cuppa. What crap cuppa is that then? The floor sweepings known as Tetley?

On a personal level I would love to meet Nick and Louise, mostly in a dark back alley with a kettle full of boiling water. But this is just another step in a world full of smoke and mirrors to make you think you might be doing something useful to society. Like what I hear you say? Well…

Innocent smoothies….. sold a huge stake to that well known cuddly eco-firm Coca-Cola.

Guilty Pleasures: Mo’ Money

Pret selling out to Maccy D’s….

Not that I liked either as I thought they were just a vehicle for shameless globalization (something they were supposed to be against) at the expense of their initial ethics.

Bellevue Tea, Lahloo Tea. These are currently independent tea brands (among others) that are not currently supported by huge globalized backing. Don’t be a mug. Get on the case.

Man Sells Deadly Space and its Hidden Threats

The former love affair of a once coveted frontier slowly dwindled until a man, named only as ‘Ted’, bought it for a singular English Pound last year. Now ‘Ted’ has become a multi-billionaire after selling his vast portfolio to Google. Astronomer Royale Rusty Bullethole precipitates:

Since its origin in the Universe Factory outer space has been growing at a rate second only to that of the population of the small and over-crowded United Island of Britain. Local authorities from around the world will gather in a small portakabin in Newark today in order to debate ‘outer space and its role within Big Society’.

With proposals such as housing our paedophiles to the dumping of radioactive waste the use of space has been for a longtime widely debated and to some extent crticised.

Space – fairly empty as it goes

“God sure ain’t short of a cupboard!”, mooted Andrew Brown in the lead article in the religious journal “Ignorama”. He continued: “…since its formation a few years ago, space has continued to expand and expand. The question is who is going to stop it? We didn’t have this problem 6000 years ago when it all started.”

Sure enough it has now become somewhat of a talking point between scientists and governing authorities as to how quickly space is exapnding and what it means to the population of the world, hence the need for urgent discussion. Newark being the marked centre of the universe seemed like a natural choice.

Newark – yes, it is an anagram of wanker.

Ted is a rich man and Google, who were once complaining of a lack of space for their servers, are now rich in not one, not two but three whole dimensions and maybe more. As astronomer royale I can honestly say don’t know what threat space poses but I can summarise in the words of Andrew Brown, “We could shoot it, or we could blow it up. We should probably do both.”

Multi-billionaire Ted was found on the floor of his bank rolling around pointing at people and crying with laughter, pointing some more and continuing to laugh.

Weasels Add Stickman

Weasel News is a bit slow recently because we have been busy with practicing with our new and improved line-up. Now with 50% extra Personage the New-Look-Weasel line-up is now more rust-proof than ever and with the addition of Pro-Argen-Baldy the new formula is ready to take the world of commerce by storm.

Now here’s the science bit: the addition of Pro-Vitamin Bald1 increases the tensile strength of the fibres that connect our collective consciousness to produce a fabric that is super-absorbent, flexible and strong. Also the maligned threesome is 50% whiter due to injected familial strains of genetically modified Chris. The band is now fully FDA approved and will encroach upon your audible sensibilities within the near future. This will only serve to benefit mankind and its evolutionary path.

Mr Bald is now installed as ‘STICKMAN’ so he is now comprised of several thinly drawn lines and a sort-of-drum-kit. It’s the best sort-of-drum-kit magic beans can buy.

Weasels Add New Stickman – and drummy stuff

Further to the integration of additional PV-Bald1 another movement has been made, it was a bowel movement and as it has now ceased there is no need to mention it further.

The Weasel Kickers are indeed looking forward to their next gig (although the date remains fluctuant, but we must be ‘right’ for it like the pontificating pansies we are) and thoughts about fully re-recording the new album are well under way. Expect to hear news on this front very soon. That’s right, in the not too distant future we will be telling you more about stuff you really don’t care about in order to break up your day a bit.

Same Shirt Different Day – Yes, it is deffo being recorded!

We’re so rock and roll we have been registering on seismometers for the last decade.

Bear with us and we will be back on the radar very soon. Like a big smudge on your windscreen.

Outbreak Of F&%king Tourette’s due to Train

Mystery Outbreak Of Tourette’s At US School

SHORT NEWS: Erin Brockovitch Spill is Polluting Students Minds - An outbreak of Erin Brockovitch eco-paranoia is sweeping across New York it is reported. The Government fears this could lead to a further outbreak of the over-zealous over-conservative and self-congratulating, self-preserving ‘specialists’.

Government officials and scientists have identified that pollution from a train spill has definitely not caused a fucking outbreak of pretend Tourettes in a cocking school, so slag off. However, this has not stopped continual campaigning by Brockovitch to create work for pretend specialists to endlessly speculate upon for vast sums of public money.

Professor Andrew Brown of Sodov University has slammed remarks that this is in anyway real, “F%$k you news man.”

Contaminated Land Specialist Rusty Bullethole did not respond but sat in a corner rubbing his hands together mouthing the letters P, F and I over and over again.

New York Kids – too much GoodFellas

Weasel Kicker Practice Goes On

Brave band members Andy B and Rusty B will soldier on tonight despite fears that temperatures in the UK could reach ‘quite cold’. Armed to the teeth with gloves, scarves and various other items of clothes the boys will not let this ‘chilly spell’ stop them working away on the forthcoming releases and also will not falter in their attempts to practice for the next gig.

Weasel Member (as his friends call him) Rusty Bullethole explains, “Yes I understand that temperatures might be as low as very cold. Maybe we’ll practice in the house tonight.”

When confronted with the conundrum in the early hours of the morning fellow Member Andy B also commented, “f&*k off its 5 int morning.”

The Weasel Kickers practice is broadcast tonight live from the 2nd storey window.

The Weasel Kickers go WordPress

The Weasel Kickers – "Shit Band, No Fans"

Not sucking the cock of the music industry