It doesn’t matter how much snow there is or whether temperatures actually drop to cold or not, all of the newspapers this week will warn of an imminent ‘Big Freeze’ substituting science for conjecture and reality with hype it seems this week could prove pivotal in the race for the ‘Big Bullshit’. Competition is fierce. Rusty Bullethole misinterprets:

The erection of a 5 foot snow cock on Chav Drive, Derby, UK epitomised the sense of impending doom throughout the UK this weekend. Local layabout Andrew Brown lamented whilst consuming his 5th can of White Flash, “I dunt giya fook.”

Snow – There are always hidden dangers

Councillors and journalists alike have refused to take a blase attitude and attempts to diffuse this apathy have been vehement. “There is clearly a need for alarm.”, slurred Rusty Bullethole of the Campaign for Local Apathy Protection. Our information group aims to get the message into the public domain that action is required. “If people want more information on apathy protection they should come and join us – get involved with CLAP.”

Despite the Newspapers having little to report on than the obligatory airport closure, cancelled bus runs and the clusters of local schools closures the public are not heeding the warnings put out by central government. Hoardes of people have been seen out in the snow smiling and laughing not caring about the messages of death and disaster that have been delivered perpetually through our doorsteps, into our newsagents and pasted across every news channel with the same overturned lorry spilling a lethal cocktail of orange juice, chicken livers and Calgon.

Snow – it makes people drive like twats

Rusty Bullethole labelled the ongoing snow bound antics of the British Public as “Wreckless and blatantly spitting a greenie in the face of public concern”. Many a journalist can feed their young now during the coming weeks by researching and publishing many a doom-laden phrase, such as ‘cold snaps’, ‘temperature inversions’, ‘global cooling’ up to, and including, the irresistible ’ice ages’.

Mr Bald Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Twat mumbled, “….poxy microphone out of my face you little prick.” before launching a scathing attack on, we assume, the British Public for their failure to react to such knee-jerk hyperbole and misrepresentation of fact, “cocking tossers”, with reaction continuing by kicking a fire hydrant and attempting to employ it as a metaphor, “See that? It’s there and not affecting anything.” cadjoled the folically challenged editor who then proceeded to rip it out of the ground and throw it at a scattering of desperate hacks whilst trumpeting “where’s your god now, eh, WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?”

With such a stark statement it is clear that we the public do not know, nor appreciate, the dangers presented to us by things in general. Sure, the snow may ‘look’ like it is thawing, it even may ‘feel warm’ but at the behest of the journalistic hierarchy the public are urged to observe the reality of the situation and should at all times bow to the knowledge of the Press Association.

“I didn’t realise it could be so bad.” reflected Andrew Brown after his 7th can of White Flash, “I’m sat out here in my jeans and jumper when I just read I might be dying of hypothermia. It could be happening to everyone.”

At 10:19am on Monday 6th February 2012, after his 8th can of White Flash, Andrew Brown sadly lost the battle to retain the use of his sense of personal responsibility. Black cans will be purchased throughout the morning in memory of this loss of common sense.

Super Cider – the British alternative to emotion