Category Archives: Weasel Rant

Irrelevant socio-commentary from The Weasel Krew on subjects that matter and mainly those that don’t.

The Tea Little Pigs by Nick and Louise

Once upon a time in a cafe there on the table was a 3 dimensional marketing leaflet describing idyllic times when tea was refined and those that drank it sat on large decorative chairs with a comfort only fit for a regal leader. The story promotes the wondrous tale of a couple, Nick and Louise, who through their own efforts and sadness at the way tea has been treated in recent times have developed a small little company to reinvigorate the nation towards the love for tea again. Ahhhh. Rusty Bullethole is no mug (!) and he decided to do a bit of investigative journalism into this absurdi-tea.

So. Teapigs. Sounds jizzmatic doesn’t it? Perfect. Ideal. Just what us Brits want to hear. “Yes dammit Mrs Miggins the tea has taken a rogering and we’re here to apply the Anusol.” To me it sounded too good to be true. Basically it had more front than a banker on a yacht lighting his cigar with your former tax-pounds.

An Eighth of Tea: enough for a few spliffs

So small business eh? Run by Nick and Louise who ‘met while working for a really big tea company’. So who was this tea company and how did the dynamic duo deliver? The company of course was Tetley (band Tetley and Teapigs into google and off you go). Tetley fronted the cash for this little venture of Nick and Lousie (I wonder if they even exist?) and helped it to lose hundreds of thousands of pound through its first years….. the sweet tale just keeps those tears rolling doesn’t it?

It is the mark of the world with larger companies pulling the wool over your eyes and making you look a tit when you are conned into the belief that you are putting your hard earned dosh into the pocket of a couple of honest working class geezers, guv. I am not pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one.

Making Tea: It’s Hard Work

Lets look a little deeper…. Tetley and Teapigs are owned by Tata Global Beverage who are in turn part of the Tata Group – that well known small global empire company. Is it still feeling family run now? Still feel like it is all being produced from a little cottage in Cotswoldshire by a couple dressed in rags trying to make lfe better for us all at their own expense?

So, Tata – they are ethically sound then? Oh yes of course, oh I mean no, they are a bunch of tossers – they offered to bail out Union Carbide over the Bhopal disaster that killed thousands. The protesters killed at Kalinganagar was ‘unfortunate’ according to Tata as they continued with plans to build an environment raping steel plant in India. Oh and among many other things supplying hardware to aid the anti-democratic and oppressive Burman Junta keep on with its human rights atrocities.

Tata Global Friends Group

Back to Teapigs then. Owned (100% shareholding) by the 50th most valuable brand in the world (Tata). What is their mission… for people to “drink real tea” as opposed to “the slop that is crushed into dust and crammed into the nations teabag”. So tree-hugging Teapigs owners Nick and Louise who often sit at home reveling in the awesome smell of their own farts are encouraging people to “name and shame” hostelries that dare to sell you a crap cuppa. What crap cuppa is that then? The floor sweepings known as Tetley?

On a personal level I would love to meet Nick and Louise, mostly in a dark back alley with a kettle full of boiling water. But this is just another step in a world full of smoke and mirrors to make you think you might be doing something useful to society. Like what I hear you say? Well…

Innocent smoothies….. sold a huge stake to that well known cuddly eco-firm Coca-Cola.

Guilty Pleasures: Mo’ Money

Pret selling out to Maccy D’s….

Not that I liked either as I thought they were just a vehicle for shameless globalization (something they were supposed to be against) at the expense of their initial ethics.

Bellevue Tea, Lahloo Tea. These are currently independent tea brands (among others) that are not currently supported by huge globalized backing. Don’t be a mug. Get on the case.

No Batman, No Vote, No Point

Having been an interesting week in the UK people have, or mainly haven’t, been voting on something which they have no idea about, don’t care about or in the main, see little point in talking about let alone having as a system of governance. Rusty Bullethole remonstrates.

The Police. They kind of do their job don’t they. They (sometimes) catch criminals and in the main deter the majority from becoming meth fueled alcohol stealing face cutting head stabbers. So why then did we all of a sudden need to appoint a regional Commissioner? More to the point, what is a Commissioner?

Commissioner Gordon - he had a big office

Commissioner – big office, red phone and £100K per year richer

The answer seems to be a bizarre one. We have never had them before in this arrangement of government and the candidates were politicised and affiliated to a party. So who are they? The answer is anyone. Anyone who can be arsed to stump up £5K (in hard cash only of course! Used noted only.) What do they say, and why is it different to what the others say? Not sure on the difference, they all want to combat crime, use technology, put more police on the beat, etc. the same drivel that the Home Secretary pummels out every time there is a change in office.

Illegal now, unless you are, say, a commissioner....

Pound Note – 5000 of these and you can buy yourself into a position you should never be allowed to have, a good Christmas gift

Ok, so the same as MPs the, either public school rimmers with no nous or general public deadheads who can’t get a job other than in a council are the prime candidates. Hardly enthusing. So how much do they get? Yes, a stonking £75K to £100K a year. Where do they do it? Somewhere near you, but you aren’t allowed to know. Probably. To find out more about the role I asked chief government security advisor Andrew Brown to elucidate:

“What do they/will they do? Sit around in an office and wait for some bad shit to happen. Most likely our local bank is to be robbed by a bunch of blokes dressed either in green or as penguins and using a tool that cuts a big circle in a vault wall. Either that or everyone gets gassed by a, probably, green gas and when they wake they have been robbed of all their goods and the best looking one gets kidnapped for a bit of unauthorised, almost cheeky, slap and tickle.”

Criminals are getting so cocky they don't even try to be subtle about it anymore

Employers Beware – Sometimes a CRB check sometimes just isn’t enough!

“Inevitably, at some point, a letter will land on the desk of said Commissioner and it will be a riddle of what plans are afoot for the present rampaging master criminal.”, revealed Brown, almost as if it were scripted. “It is at this point the incumbent lifts the glass case that surrounds the post-box red telephone for the regionally appointed superhero to take charge of the escalating situation.”

For Tory based councils the response will be from a surly, dour and introverted Michael Keaton, George Clooney or of course Gareth Bale. Adam West will serve Labour based councils while Liberals get David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst.

Royal Arms to be Changed

The Three Lions of the English Royal Arms are to be changed according to TWK drunkard and roving reporter Rusty Bullethole. It has been on the cards for a while although the momentum has gathered apace and the alterations are to be adopted as from the 1st January 2013.

It has long been apparent that the Royal Arms has not been representative of the country and its affiliation with the monarchy and now this has come to a head and instatement of a new Royal Arms is to be presented. Although the layout and final draft are to remain a secret the contents of the Coat of Arms has been revealed.

Present Coat of Arms – Its a bit too glitzy-glam and says “we’re all gay”

The present Royal Arms has evolved from the singular lion (stolen from the Norman times and kept in cold storage) to a duo of lions with a Queensbury Rules stance, and latterly into the three stretched out lazy lions. A slow progression from standing and fighting to the more lethargic and subdued ‘cat in front of a fire’ pose.

The motto is also up for renewal. The present Dieu et mon droit (divine right of monarchs to govern) is mooted as being horrendously outdated and has won an outright vote for replacement. So what are we to expect?

“Lions are a thing of the past”, detailed Andrew Brown of England.co.uk, “we needed to move with the times and make the monarchy appeal to contemporary followers until the reformation” tantalised the oversized Brown staring at his undersized telecommunication device, “Although I can’t reveal a draft drawing I can tell you what it will contain.” spewed Brown looking smug and pausing with length on purpose as if trying to draw me into the lair of suspense.

“It will contain a bottle of blue alco-pop, a doner kebab and a packet of 20 Rothman.”

20 Rothman – One of the symbolic fronts of our great nation

“The motto will be one of two: Bibamus, manducaverimus et manus which translates as we drink, we eat and then we fight. This keeps things in line with the media shows on our culture… Traffic Cops, Brit Cops, Road Cops, Speed Cops, Street Cops, Path Cops, Crimewatch, 999, Ross Kemp on Drugs, Alan Tichmarsh – A Rumble in the Country and of course Boris & Dave – My Big Fat Stupid Friend.”

“The second option is Copra Angliae.”

When questioned on the actuality of this being realised Mr Brown commented, “Well, if the Queen dies before the 1st January then its all bets off as we’re abandoning the monarchy after her anyway, the firing squads are on standby. We wouldn’t really let those other two gimboids into monarchy. Hahaha, nah as soon as she’s [Elizabeth II] popped her cloggs we’re all off down to the casino and then the pub. Until then we thought we’d have a laugh. We’re doing it a bit French, a bit Spanish and a whole lot of English.”

Her replacement token head of state will be the universally hated Jeremy Clarkson. “His arrogance and blasé racism/xenophobia are key attributes for the head of a state. Hopefully, somewhere along the line he, like many a good monarch, is also related to a long line of genocidal maniacal control freaks.”

Also we can confirm the rumours about the picture of the Queen on the back of monetary notes being replaced are TRUE – they are to be replaced by a photo of my mum at waterworld from 1987 with her titties out.

New picture to be featured on money.

Note: Please be aware that very creepy Alan Titchmarsh is a known countryphile and any information leading to his capture will be rewarded with a Community Action Trust Reward. Call Crimestoppers everytime he is on the TV.

Nottingham – Chav Density Increasing

Every Urban Centre appears to have at least one major ‘Chav’ area where the population density of the Chav far outweighs that of the Yummy Mummy, Volvo Family or the Ben-Sherman-Money-Clip Wide-Boy. Roaming diplomat and sex piston Rusty Bullethole bleats about the latest figures on Chav Density.

Nottingham and its environs. Home of many a depressed and surly famous person from the unappetising D.H. Lawrence and spew-fest romantiscist Lord Byron to the ignorant Kenneth Clarke and the population reducing Harold Shipman. It has been noted in recent months that the increase in the Chav Factor is spiralling out of control with almost every inner city ward a concern for Euro Ministers as Nottingham has become known to be ‘completely devoid of decency and humanity’, much like government.

DH Lawrence – he says c*nt a lot, like Chavs

TWK understand that as from the beginning of this month that the international scheme for the evacuation of people from Nottingham “not in falsely worn sportswear” will begin in order to place them in a safer environment although still with familiar surroundings, somewhere such as Damascus.

“Percentages of cheap (mainly white) tracksuits on people are at an all time high.”, stated Chavwatch President Andrew Brown, “Generally accentuated by the obligatory Greggs Bag, Poverty Buggy complete with dirty child and the ‘diamond’ or ‘tear’ tatoos on the faces of the barbarous heathens that are generally found spitting and occupying spaces outside cheap alcohol vendors. It’s not a good time for the UK.”

Chavs – Limited Numeracy Skills

It is noted that many of the areas in and around Nottingham: St Annes, Bulwell, Hucknall, Hyson Green, Broxtowe, etc. have long been suffering from sycophantism to the Chav from the pandering and court-case fearing Local Authorities. Local resident Mr Drunk was asked to explain away his typical day. We caught up with him outside the local branch of Boozebuster:

“Jus’ got me’sen sum Livakill Super.”, announced the 25 year-old, “An’ a Iceland Doner.”

An extensive tirade of abuse from the range of foreigners allowed in the country to the state of the NHS ensued before finally getting out the information required to make our assessment: “Ar, reight. Wos thou wanna know youf?”, and Mr Drunk reeled out a list of a variety of things that he may do during the day other than actually any form of work. TWK have listed them below as best as we could translate them.

- Pop dahn Boozebosters fer me Livakill (pop down first thing in the afternoon to the local off-licence for a pallete cleanser)
- Go ohm an’ watch a birra tele lark (go back to rent-a-dump and shout at various people of any race other than ones own with no apparent reason aside xenophobia or inherent low-intelligent racisim akin to the barbarian)
- Go n sit artside pahndshop and gerraslag (locate a bench in proximity to a local shop where I know I get value and see if I can find a nice lady to take for a meal)
- Go Maccy Ds and get sommat (nutrition is of high importance and this will surely balance out the Livakill I have been drinking since the age of 10)
- elp me lad fix opis wagon (to assist his 14 year old boy – inevitably called something like Kai, Mitchell or Mason – work on his B reg Nova with twin exhaust)
- Pop rahnd nt see me mate n get sum stuff (take a trip to the drug dealer and exhange some goods stolen from the poundshop for a selection pack of arsenic and stricnine laced produce)
- Get ready fer the naht lark (Put on ones best creased up white tracksuit complete with crack based rock burns and some LA-gangster based slogan emblazened upon it, don an amount of gold similar to a level found on Mr T ready to enjoy the evening)
- Go aht robbin or stabbin on me ‘patch’ (and then just join in the local fun with the local people on a typical night on the estate.)

Iceland – Killing off the poor.

“Chavtacular.”, commented the disillusioned Brown.

It appears that Nottingham has long since been the template for Chavism and the wave of infection seems to be gathering at a pace and spreading throughout the country. Obesity sits hand in glove with the Chav approach of “sausage roll and Maccy Ds diet” with some level of denial with the ordering of diet coke as some kind of trade-off. “I can only put it down to a clear lack of mirrors.” said a senior council source.

Sadly, the disease is spreading further at an alarming rate, my own siblings family long since contracted the disease. With blobby children that do not even realise they are fat and unfit, where racism is confused with patriotism and with a blatant unwillingness to accept what is ejaculating on their faces – the signs are clearly there and escalating. Alongside a modicum of self-congratulation at every mundane task in order to eat chocolate/maccy d/greggs/only drink cheap pop or cheap vodka and abstain from important parenting/basic thinking/exercise/basic social awareness there is a definite movement for the chav-parent towards being concilliatory all of the time.

“Well, innit, as long asegot [they have] cheap vodka, porn n shit [reading material and a whole host of hydrogentaed vegetable fat based snacks] and they’re happy what fookin difference doit [does it] make, innit?”, noted mum and auntie of four, Keeley, 15 from St Annes. Tapping the bump on her belly she recited, “cash in da bank.”

Chavwatch are concerned you may not know if you are entering into a Chavzone and they have determined the best correlation to Chavism is generally nomenclature. So should you hear or note any of the following names in close proximity to yourself you have the right to notify the authorities:

Kai, Courtney, Jade, Jordan, Kylie, Paige, Chelsea, Beyonce, Kieron, Mason, Declan, Mitchell, Kayleigh, Chantelle, Keeley, Chelseigh, Britney, Sky, Storm, Autumn, Nike, India, Kade, Cindy, Toni, Dwayne, Reece, Chayse, Brooklyn, Damon, Myles, Kyle, Josh, Courtnee, Mia, Tyler, Spencer, Raquel, Aleisha, Chardonnay, McKenzie, Sambuca, Crystal, Kane, Hunter, Bianca.

Weasel Kickers Quality Clothing Store

Celebrity Deaths – Not What They Used To Be

Plane crashes, motorbike smashes, Bermuda triangle mysteries, the slamming of a mini into a tree and of course the inevitable glamorous assassination have all been fantastic ways for many a past celebrity to enjoy a good death. Are celebrities becoming complacent in their deaths? Rusty Bullethole ponificates:

It seems apparent that the inevitable ‘tragic death of the great… (insert name of suitable applicant)’ is no longer likely to send shivers through spines or questions through minds as the dull drudgery of showbiz and celebrity deaths continues to bore and disappoint.

Death - Celebrities have a duty to make theirs interesting

Death – if you can make it funny, you should

“Celebrities and musicians are happier committing suicide at home in front of the tele with their feet up and a nice cup of tea nowadays.” commented high profile singer/guitarist Tommy Disfiger. Disfigers band, Free Choice Paradigm, are currently doing a worldwide tour of Derby and lead electric flutist Calvin Swine fears the pressure may well get to the band with deadly consequences, “Who knows”, commented the light fingered Swine, “You’re on stage one minute and the next you’re watching University Challenge, then up comes the question you can’t answer and the rage of not knowing ANY 17th century madrigal pushes you over the edge. You have the cup of tea, you open the Garibaldi’s and out comes the Ketamine, Valium, Amytriptaline, Vicodin, Haloperidol, Lithium, Ecstacy, Heroin, Ephedrine and Paracetamol. It’s an easy trap to fall into.”

It seems that there is an apathy in the celebrity world with many a personality claiming to have ‘cancer’ or ‘Alzheimer’s', not even ‘aids’ gets a mention much anymore. “Its like the creativity has been sucked out of dying.” said one former CBBC News presenter.

Haloperidol - Can make death quite 'samey'

Haloperidol: You can’t fly a starfighter, write a song and juggle your eyeballs when you’ve had this

One can only hope that the celebrity world picks itself up and kicks back in with a spate of exciting and untimely deaths. Rusty Bullethole picks out some of the past favourites:

John Denver - a classic cartoon moment…. his plane ran out of fuel. Always brings a smile to the face of anyone you tell.

Sonny Bono - While skiing took a bit of a wrong turn at 100mph and went face first into a tree. This is also a good punchline for many a cartoon gag.

Tennesse Williams - choked to death. Sounds a bit dull, but no, he choked to death on a bottle cap he was holding in his mouth as he applied eye drops. Quality sitcom gag occurring in real life.

Brandon Lee - one of the best comedy deaths, worthy of winning a Darwin Award – shot by a blank firing gun when a piece of lead from the previous shot was lodged in the barrel. Led to the line on a popular TV quiz show…. “Brandon Lee was killed by a blank.”

Mark Bolan - Brilliant. Not only could he not handle the demanding driving skills required to keep a mini on the road he managed to actually gather enough speed to make the crash deadly. A feat of its own. If only Herbie was a mini eh?

Mark Chapman - Cruelly assassinated by John Lennon who himself thought he was Mark Chapman, a successful artist with the Beatles before taking a severe nosedive with his solo career. In the end, saved us all from a lot of hypocritical spiel.

Mark Chapman – Just another rich ‘hippy’ with possessions.

Southern Europeans Urged to Work

The halcyon days of lounging around listening to music, eating vast swathes of food, drinking cocktails on beaches full of naked whores and smashing plates/throwing donkeys off of churches could all be coming to an abrupt end in Southern Europe. Foreign correspondent Andrew Brown reports from the hedonistic Mediterranean lands:

Austerity measures are currently being drawn up to form some kind of system whereby the electorate pay towards the running of the state rather than leaving the workaday northern Europeans to bail them out once they have run out of hard cash.

Pretend Money - Worth more than the Euro in Greece

The Euro – might as well look like this

It is understood that Northern Europeans are becoming increasingly annoyed with the Southern European states for staying out late on week nights, not coming home at all on some weekends and also making a lot of noise while the Northerners are trying to sleep and have to get up for work in the morning.

Plate Breaking – A sure fire way to increase expenditure

While continually frittering away money and coming back to ask for more has seemed like a workable system of management for the lazy Southerners it is now untenable at best and the Southerners fear they may actually have to get a job. Moreover, they fear that they have to part with some of that conceptually inaugural ‘hard-earned’ money to make sure that the country can afford to keep running.

One kebab shop owner, Mr Drunkos, complained, “I do not know what this means to me and my family. Perhaps we must open tomorrow. Maybe two days in a week. So maybe only five days in a week are we drunk, not six, not seven. No more. This, my wife, she says no more smashing. I can no more run down the street throwing plates at a children. No smashing. What do you do when no smashing? Here, we drink. But no drinking. You get out now. I cut your face. Chillimintsauce!”

Kebab Shop Owners – they look like Alexi Sayle

Across the whole of Southern Europe the inhabitants are set to begin the suffering imparted by the lack of any form of government or good management. So how did it get to this level of tax avoidance, how did the economy get into such a two and eight that the morale of every Southern European is lower than a Sun Reporter? It is understood that a master plan is hatching with a new Premier appointment likely as England dithers on whether or not to appoint Harry Redknapp as its new Prime Minister.

'Arry Redknapp - Good with Economic Troubles

Harry”‘I’m telling the truth Guv’nor” Redknapp – Good with Tax issues.

Rusty Bullethole – England Manager No Option

[audio:23 Police State Blues.mp3|autostart=no]

Rusty Bullethole today ruled himself out of the running for the England Managers job citing the fact that he already has a job and he needs to complete his current project.

Along with anyone else who doesn’t stand a chance in the running; Glenn Hoddle, Alan Pardew, Martin O’Neil, Graham Norton, Janice the tea lady, Tracey Beaker, Wile E. Coyote and Dennis Wise (I know the last three are fictional characters – Ed) Rusty has also conceded the fact that there is clearly only one person now in the running to take the vacancy. Rusty wasn’t available for interview as he was doing his civic duty by once again helping the police with their inquiries.

Harry Redknapp (pictured below) has emerged as prime candidate after Fabio Capello became the latest Italian to abandon a sinking ship in the self assigned Terrygate affair.

Harry Redknapp - has lion like qualities

So is the appointment the right one? Only the media can determine the outcome as their endless pursuit of HR to become England manager finally nears its conclusion. Journalists will be waxing lyrical about HR right up until he loses his first couple of matches and then it’ll be out with the Fickleknives ready to chop his mane and stab him straight in the wallet. Ask any Portsmouth fan.

Snow Way – Sensationalism Hits New Heights

It doesn’t matter how much snow there is or whether temperatures actually drop to cold or not, all of the newspapers this week will warn of an imminent ‘Big Freeze’ substituting science for conjecture and reality with hype it seems this week could prove pivotal in the race for the ‘Big Bullshit’. Competition is fierce. Rusty Bullethole misinterprets:

The erection of a 5 foot snow cock on Chav Drive, Derby, UK epitomised the sense of impending doom throughout the UK this weekend. Local layabout Andrew Brown lamented whilst consuming his 5th can of White Flash, “I dunt giya fook.”

Snow – There are always hidden dangers

Councillors and journalists alike have refused to take a blase attitude and attempts to diffuse this apathy have been vehement. “There is clearly a need for alarm.”, slurred Rusty Bullethole of the Campaign for Local Apathy Protection. Our information group aims to get the message into the public domain that action is required. “If people want more information on apathy protection they should come and join us – get involved with CLAP.”

Despite the Newspapers having little to report on than the obligatory airport closure, cancelled bus runs and the clusters of local schools closures the public are not heeding the warnings put out by central government. Hoardes of people have been seen out in the snow smiling and laughing not caring about the messages of death and disaster that have been delivered perpetually through our doorsteps, into our newsagents and pasted across every news channel with the same overturned lorry spilling a lethal cocktail of orange juice, chicken livers and Calgon.

Schools - breeding grounds for H&S issues

Snow – it makes people drive like twats

Rusty Bullethole labelled the ongoing snow bound antics of the British Public as “Wreckless and blatantly spitting a greenie in the face of public concern”. Many a journalist can feed their young now during the coming weeks by researching and publishing many a doom-laden phrase, such as ‘cold snaps’, ‘temperature inversions’, ‘global cooling’ up to, and including, the irresistible ’ice ages’.

Mr Bald Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Twat mumbled, “….poxy microphone out of my face you little prick.” before launching a scathing attack on, we assume, the British Public for their failure to react to such knee-jerk hyperbole and misrepresentation of fact, “cocking tossers”, with reaction continuing by kicking a fire hydrant and attempting to employ it as a metaphor, “See that? It’s there and not affecting anything.” cadjoled the folically challenged editor who then proceeded to rip it out of the ground and throw it at a scattering of desperate hacks whilst trumpeting “where’s your god now, eh, WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?”

With such a stark statement it is clear that we the public do not know, nor appreciate, the dangers presented to us by things in general. Sure, the snow may ‘look’ like it is thawing, it even may ‘feel warm’ but at the behest of the journalistic hierarchy the public are urged to observe the reality of the situation and should at all times bow to the knowledge of the Press Association.

“I didn’t realise it could be so bad.” reflected Andrew Brown after his 7th can of White Flash, “I’m sat out here in my jeans and jumper when I just read I might be dying of hypothermia. It could be happening to everyone.”

At 10:19am on Monday 6th February 2012, after his 8th can of White Flash, Andrew Brown sadly lost the battle to retain the use of his sense of personal responsibility. Black cans will be purchased throughout the morning in memory of this loss of common sense.

Super Cider – the British alternative to emotion

Outbreak Of F&%king Tourette’s due to Train

Mystery Outbreak Of Tourette’s At US School

SHORT NEWS: Erin Brockovitch Spill is Polluting Students Minds - An outbreak of Erin Brockovitch eco-paranoia is sweeping across New York it is reported. The Government fears this could lead to a further outbreak of the over-zealous over-conservative and self-congratulating, self-preserving ‘specialists’.

Government officials and scientists have identified that pollution from a train spill has definitely not caused a fucking outbreak of pretend Tourettes in a cocking school, so slag off. However, this has not stopped continual campaigning by Brockovitch to create work for pretend specialists to endlessly speculate upon for vast sums of public money.

Professor Andrew Brown of Sodov University has slammed remarks that this is in anyway real, “F%$k you news man.”

Contaminated Land Specialist Rusty Bullethole did not respond but sat in a corner rubbing his hands together mouthing the letters P, F and I over and over again.

New York Kids – too much GoodFellas

Council Compensation Claimants in Bodge-up Row

TWK were made aware this lunchtime of the rising demand for education in clamaint culture, with pupils exercising their right to compensate their own purses from the taxpayers money.

One pupil, affectionately referred to as ‘Bezza’ from an un-named school said “i can sit ‘ere yeah and hear teachers spouting rubbish yeah, or i can slip on my backside ova there yeah and earn a few wonga, deffo meks sense yeah”.

Anti-Compensation Culture Sign: more needed in and around deeper puddles.

The statement above comes soon after the local Council published figures publically which pointed a proportional rise in claimants, when drawn on a graph against the population of Canis lupus in Uganda.

TWK band member Rusty Bullethole stated in a post-dinner lunchtime statement:

“I recently attended a parents evening, lead by the resident maths teacher Desmond ‘Socrates’ Moment, where it was clear that compensation culture was rife. One parent stated they had claimed for £8,651 and 89 pence, and were now dining out on a 80 pound turkey for Christmas. This was counter-acted by another parent who had recently bought a new ford focus zetec model by accummulating numerous payments of compensation over a 25 year period.”

Mere violence then ensued when the maths teacher told them that “pythagoros once professed that there is a triangle in every corner, and you will both end-up locked in a vicious circle” ; the parents baffled by the obvious geometric problem.

Screams could be heard from the rising madness at the PTA meeting. Intermittent statements of “it doesnt even make sense” could be heard from within the echoey school gym.

A spokesman from other TWK band member Andy Brown said “this sort of mindless violence is to be expected. You don’t play with fire, do you? You dont mix nitro with glicerine do you? You dont combine zumba with salsa, and expect to get away with it. An ‘eye for eye’, thats what I say”

TWK will follow up this story when the violence stops and more claimants come forward to obtain ridiculous sums of money.

Sportsday Live – Transfer Deadline Day

No Movement for Weasels on Deadline Day – official statement from WeaselOffice. Despite the cold it seems that transfer rumours are rife although there has been an unambiguous statement from the WeaselOffice.

Early season rumours of various movements in and out of the weasel fold were today quashed like a Ryan Giggs Shag Story. “There may be a possibility for a temporary loan out but that would be on a gig-by-gig basis and it would be in the short term as we need our full squad for the upcoming fixtures.”, said reserve team coach Rusty Bullethole.

It has been rumoured that there may be a loan signing coming in to the Weasel fold but again the WeaselOffice has been very cagey about this, possibly to put other suitors off the scent. “We like to do our business in private.”, noted head coach Andy Brown. “I don’t like my business to be smeared all over for the public to see. I like keeping my business close to me. I know my business and I like it. Others can see my business when the time is right but until then my business is my own and what I do with it is of little concern to anyone else.”, spouted the guitar player.

“I’ve seen Andy do his business before. It’s worth watching, he’s got better at it over the years. Especially at this point in the season. If you want a lesson in how to do your business, then watch this man. You could watch him do his business all week and still be learning stuff on Friday afternoon. The shear amount of business sometimes can be quite amazing.” [Rusty Bullethole]

Andrew Brown – As strict as team coaches get

Rusty Bullethole once had a half season as a professional at League Two side Fostock Argonauts. Enjoying his time there back in the heady days of 1987 Bullethole went on to make several appearances at other League Two grounds until injury forced an early retirement. Speaking about Bullethole on Football Focus Gary Lineker said he had rarely met anyone like Bullethole and there has not been a better floodlight lightbulb replacement technician since. “I’ve not been the same since I bent my fingers, but I can still look back on those good times.”

You can read the full story in the forthcoming book “Bullethole – 400 Watts, 13 Amps but One Way of Life”. Available nowhere soon.

The Weasel Kickers – "Shit Band, No Fans"

Not sucking the cock of the music industry