Monthly Archives: February 2012

Nottingham – Chav Density Increasing

Every Urban Centre appears to have at least one major ‘Chav’ area where the population density of the Chav far outweighs that of the Yummy Mummy, Volvo Family or the Ben-Sherman-Money-Clip Wide-Boy. Roaming diplomat and sex piston Rusty Bullethole bleats about the latest figures on Chav Density.

Nottingham and its environs. Home of many a depressed and surly famous person from the unappetising D.H. Lawrence and spew-fest romantiscist Lord Byron to the ignorant Kenneth Clarke and the population reducing Harold Shipman. It has been noted in recent months that the increase in the Chav Factor is spiralling out of control with almost every inner city ward a concern for Euro Ministers as Nottingham has become known to be ‘completely devoid of decency and humanity’, much like government.

DH Lawrence – he says c*nt a lot, like Chavs

TWK understand that as from the beginning of this month that the international scheme for the evacuation of people from Nottingham “not in falsely worn sportswear” will begin in order to place them in a safer environment although still with familiar surroundings, somewhere such as Damascus.

“Percentages of cheap (mainly white) tracksuits on people are at an all time high.”, stated Chavwatch President Andrew Brown, “Generally accentuated by the obligatory Greggs Bag, Poverty Buggy complete with dirty child and the ‘diamond’ or ‘tear’ tatoos on the faces of the barbarous heathens that are generally found spitting and occupying spaces outside cheap alcohol vendors. It’s not a good time for the UK.”

Chavs – Limited Numeracy Skills

It is noted that many of the areas in and around Nottingham: St Annes, Bulwell, Hucknall, Hyson Green, Broxtowe, etc. have long been suffering from sycophantism to the Chav from the pandering and court-case fearing Local Authorities. Local resident Mr Drunk was asked to explain away his typical day. We caught up with him outside the local branch of Boozebuster:

“Jus’ got me’sen sum Livakill Super.”, announced the 25 year-old, “An’ a Iceland Doner.”

An extensive tirade of abuse from the range of foreigners allowed in the country to the state of the NHS ensued before finally getting out the information required to make our assessment: “Ar, reight. Wos thou wanna know youf?”, and Mr Drunk reeled out a list of a variety of things that he may do during the day other than actually any form of work. TWK have listed them below as best as we could translate them.

- Pop dahn Boozebosters fer me Livakill (pop down first thing in the afternoon to the local off-licence for a pallete cleanser)
- Go ohm an’ watch a birra tele lark (go back to rent-a-dump and shout at various people of any race other than ones own with no apparent reason aside xenophobia or inherent low-intelligent racisim akin to the barbarian)
- Go n sit artside pahndshop and gerraslag (locate a bench in proximity to a local shop where I know I get value and see if I can find a nice lady to take for a meal)
- Go Maccy Ds and get sommat (nutrition is of high importance and this will surely balance out the Livakill I have been drinking since the age of 10)
- elp me lad fix opis wagon (to assist his 14 year old boy – inevitably called something like Kai, Mitchell or Mason – work on his B reg Nova with twin exhaust)
- Pop rahnd nt see me mate n get sum stuff (take a trip to the drug dealer and exhange some goods stolen from the poundshop for a selection pack of arsenic and stricnine laced produce)
- Get ready fer the naht lark (Put on ones best creased up white tracksuit complete with crack based rock burns and some LA-gangster based slogan emblazened upon it, don an amount of gold similar to a level found on Mr T ready to enjoy the evening)
- Go aht robbin or stabbin on me ‘patch’ (and then just join in the local fun with the local people on a typical night on the estate.)

Iceland – Killing off the poor.

“Chavtacular.”, commented the disillusioned Brown.

It appears that Nottingham has long since been the template for Chavism and the wave of infection seems to be gathering at a pace and spreading throughout the country. Obesity sits hand in glove with the Chav approach of “sausage roll and Maccy Ds diet” with some level of denial with the ordering of diet coke as some kind of trade-off. “I can only put it down to a clear lack of mirrors.” said a senior council source.

Sadly, the disease is spreading further at an alarming rate, my own siblings family long since contracted the disease. With blobby children that do not even realise they are fat and unfit, where racism is confused with patriotism and with a blatant unwillingness to accept what is ejaculating on their faces – the signs are clearly there and escalating. Alongside a modicum of self-congratulation at every mundane task in order to eat chocolate/maccy d/greggs/only drink cheap pop or cheap vodka and abstain from important parenting/basic thinking/exercise/basic social awareness there is a definite movement for the chav-parent towards being concilliatory all of the time.

“Well, innit, as long asegot [they have] cheap vodka, porn n shit [reading material and a whole host of hydrogentaed vegetable fat based snacks] and they’re happy what fookin difference doit [does it] make, innit?”, noted mum and auntie of four, Keeley, 15 from St Annes. Tapping the bump on her belly she recited, “cash in da bank.”

Chavwatch are concerned you may not know if you are entering into a Chavzone and they have determined the best correlation to Chavism is generally nomenclature. So should you hear or note any of the following names in close proximity to yourself you have the right to notify the authorities:

Kai, Courtney, Jade, Jordan, Kylie, Paige, Chelsea, Beyonce, Kieron, Mason, Declan, Mitchell, Kayleigh, Chantelle, Keeley, Chelseigh, Britney, Sky, Storm, Autumn, Nike, India, Kade, Cindy, Toni, Dwayne, Reece, Chayse, Brooklyn, Damon, Myles, Kyle, Josh, Courtnee, Mia, Tyler, Spencer, Raquel, Aleisha, Chardonnay, McKenzie, Sambuca, Crystal, Kane, Hunter, Bianca.

Weasel Kickers Quality Clothing Store

World Wide Recession Attributed to Etch A Sketch Creation

As we come up to the 3 year anniversary of the Global Economic Crisis (GEC), TWK tries to make sense of the world wide ‘crash’ which has obliterated peoples Savings, Homes, Itineraries, and Time, leading to nothing but supposed ‘hatred’ for the people that keep their money safe at night – Bankers!

We propose a different source for the recession.

TWK co-correspondent Chris White takes up his personal storyventure:

“When the initial news came that we here in the midst of a world wide depression my wife instantly phoned the doctor and asked for an immediate prescription of prozac. I put the phone down for her and said “no, not that type of depression”, and we ventured out into night to the next bar and got absolutely mortalled on jaegarbombs and kebabs”.

“Clearly we had no idea of the scale of the problem but something stirred deep in our hearts and brough horrible flashbacks to pre-bust days ”

The initial problem was merely compounded by an obsession with re-runs of the infamous cult TV programme ‘The Money Programme’ between 1996 and 1999. “One night me and my pregnant wife replayed the theme tune about 46 thousand times, because it literally depicted the seriousness of the historical macro economical situation within 30 seconds, no-one has ever touched our lives in such a way” Chris professed. ”the theme tune alone sets the scene for a true fiscal soap opera”.

Stocks and Fiscal Soaps – deffo a link

Little did they know that the jazzed-up thememaster crebation tune was subliminally entering the mind of their to-be born son (named Daniel) whilst he was sleeping in his mothers womb, leading to effects that can only be described as ‘extraordinary’.

“By the time Daniel was 5 years old he had surpassed the ability to play avant garde jazz on the piano whilst simultaneously being able to calculate complex stockmarket related logarithms”. Chris continues “At 6 he was managing our incomes and bank accounts and had floated several companies onto the stock exchange!!”.

His pièce de résistance; however, was created using something more basic – a jumped-up red pre-generation ipad powered only only by a stilo, fingers and aluminium powder. It was utilised by millions around the world not flippant enough to purchase paper, pencils and erasers on a whim. We refer, of course, to the ‘Etch a Sketch’. The gravity of his little depiction on the ‘cry pad’ in 2005 was scary……very SCARY, and mirrored those market ‘crashes” actually witnessed three years later in 2008.

“During the early 2000′s it hadn’t even crossed my mind until now, but when i picked up my son’s etch a sketch pad it was a futuristic almanac right there in front of my eyes, pathing the way for inevitable hatred for the banking system. Hindsight is a wonderful thing”.

What Chris’ son had actually done was predict the EXACT current economic trend three years before reality.

“Now it all makes sense, before he went to bed at night little Daniel had uncontrollable urges to paraphrase from that well known movie The Sixth Sense – all he kept saying was “i see unemployed people!”.

Doodle art – unbelievable tekkers

In a cruel twist of fate and conversely, the Nostradamus – esque qualities of the boy also predicted increased viewing figures for the Jeremy Kyle show, which actively celebrates diatribes of dysfunctional debate amongst the unemployed in the UK. Viewing figures are up, as reported today, by 7.4% totalling 2.67million.

Celebrity Deaths – Not What They Used To Be

Plane crashes, motorbike smashes, Bermuda triangle mysteries, the slamming of a mini into a tree and of course the inevitable glamorous assassination have all been fantastic ways for many a past celebrity to enjoy a good death. Are celebrities becoming complacent in their deaths? Rusty Bullethole ponificates:

It seems apparent that the inevitable ‘tragic death of the great… (insert name of suitable applicant)’ is no longer likely to send shivers through spines or questions through minds as the dull drudgery of showbiz and celebrity deaths continues to bore and disappoint.

Death - Celebrities have a duty to make theirs interesting

Death – if you can make it funny, you should

“Celebrities and musicians are happier committing suicide at home in front of the tele with their feet up and a nice cup of tea nowadays.” commented high profile singer/guitarist Tommy Disfiger. Disfigers band, Free Choice Paradigm, are currently doing a worldwide tour of Derby and lead electric flutist Calvin Swine fears the pressure may well get to the band with deadly consequences, “Who knows”, commented the light fingered Swine, “You’re on stage one minute and the next you’re watching University Challenge, then up comes the question you can’t answer and the rage of not knowing ANY 17th century madrigal pushes you over the edge. You have the cup of tea, you open the Garibaldi’s and out comes the Ketamine, Valium, Amytriptaline, Vicodin, Haloperidol, Lithium, Ecstacy, Heroin, Ephedrine and Paracetamol. It’s an easy trap to fall into.”

It seems that there is an apathy in the celebrity world with many a personality claiming to have ‘cancer’ or ‘Alzheimer’s', not even ‘aids’ gets a mention much anymore. “Its like the creativity has been sucked out of dying.” said one former CBBC News presenter.

Haloperidol - Can make death quite 'samey'

Haloperidol: You can’t fly a starfighter, write a song and juggle your eyeballs when you’ve had this

One can only hope that the celebrity world picks itself up and kicks back in with a spate of exciting and untimely deaths. Rusty Bullethole picks out some of the past favourites:

John Denver - a classic cartoon moment…. his plane ran out of fuel. Always brings a smile to the face of anyone you tell.

Sonny Bono - While skiing took a bit of a wrong turn at 100mph and went face first into a tree. This is also a good punchline for many a cartoon gag.

Tennesse Williams - choked to death. Sounds a bit dull, but no, he choked to death on a bottle cap he was holding in his mouth as he applied eye drops. Quality sitcom gag occurring in real life.

Brandon Lee - one of the best comedy deaths, worthy of winning a Darwin Award – shot by a blank firing gun when a piece of lead from the previous shot was lodged in the barrel. Led to the line on a popular TV quiz show…. “Brandon Lee was killed by a blank.”

Mark Bolan - Brilliant. Not only could he not handle the demanding driving skills required to keep a mini on the road he managed to actually gather enough speed to make the crash deadly. A feat of its own. If only Herbie was a mini eh?

Mark Chapman - Cruelly assassinated by John Lennon who himself thought he was Mark Chapman, a successful artist with the Beatles before taking a severe nosedive with his solo career. In the end, saved us all from a lot of hypocritical spiel.

Mark Chapman – Just another rich ‘hippy’ with possessions.

Southern Europeans Urged to Work

The halcyon days of lounging around listening to music, eating vast swathes of food, drinking cocktails on beaches full of naked whores and smashing plates/throwing donkeys off of churches could all be coming to an abrupt end in Southern Europe. Foreign correspondent Andrew Brown reports from the hedonistic Mediterranean lands:

Austerity measures are currently being drawn up to form some kind of system whereby the electorate pay towards the running of the state rather than leaving the workaday northern Europeans to bail them out once they have run out of hard cash.

Pretend Money - Worth more than the Euro in Greece

The Euro – might as well look like this

It is understood that Northern Europeans are becoming increasingly annoyed with the Southern European states for staying out late on week nights, not coming home at all on some weekends and also making a lot of noise while the Northerners are trying to sleep and have to get up for work in the morning.

Plate Breaking – A sure fire way to increase expenditure

While continually frittering away money and coming back to ask for more has seemed like a workable system of management for the lazy Southerners it is now untenable at best and the Southerners fear they may actually have to get a job. Moreover, they fear that they have to part with some of that conceptually inaugural ‘hard-earned’ money to make sure that the country can afford to keep running.

One kebab shop owner, Mr Drunkos, complained, “I do not know what this means to me and my family. Perhaps we must open tomorrow. Maybe two days in a week. So maybe only five days in a week are we drunk, not six, not seven. No more. This, my wife, she says no more smashing. I can no more run down the street throwing plates at a children. No smashing. What do you do when no smashing? Here, we drink. But no drinking. You get out now. I cut your face. Chillimintsauce!”

Kebab Shop Owners – they look like Alexi Sayle

Across the whole of Southern Europe the inhabitants are set to begin the suffering imparted by the lack of any form of government or good management. So how did it get to this level of tax avoidance, how did the economy get into such a two and eight that the morale of every Southern European is lower than a Sun Reporter? It is understood that a master plan is hatching with a new Premier appointment likely as England dithers on whether or not to appoint Harry Redknapp as its new Prime Minister.

'Arry Redknapp - Good with Economic Troubles

Harry”‘I’m telling the truth Guv’nor” Redknapp – Good with Tax issues.

Rusty Bullethole – England Manager No Option

[audio:23 Police State Blues.mp3|autostart=no]

Rusty Bullethole today ruled himself out of the running for the England Managers job citing the fact that he already has a job and he needs to complete his current project.

Along with anyone else who doesn’t stand a chance in the running; Glenn Hoddle, Alan Pardew, Martin O’Neil, Graham Norton, Janice the tea lady, Tracey Beaker, Wile E. Coyote and Dennis Wise (I know the last three are fictional characters – Ed) Rusty has also conceded the fact that there is clearly only one person now in the running to take the vacancy. Rusty wasn’t available for interview as he was doing his civic duty by once again helping the police with their inquiries.

Harry Redknapp (pictured below) has emerged as prime candidate after Fabio Capello became the latest Italian to abandon a sinking ship in the self assigned Terrygate affair.

Harry Redknapp - has lion like qualities

So is the appointment the right one? Only the media can determine the outcome as their endless pursuit of HR to become England manager finally nears its conclusion. Journalists will be waxing lyrical about HR right up until he loses his first couple of matches and then it’ll be out with the Fickleknives ready to chop his mane and stab him straight in the wallet. Ask any Portsmouth fan.

Snow Way – Sensationalism Hits New Heights

It doesn’t matter how much snow there is or whether temperatures actually drop to cold or not, all of the newspapers this week will warn of an imminent ‘Big Freeze’ substituting science for conjecture and reality with hype it seems this week could prove pivotal in the race for the ‘Big Bullshit’. Competition is fierce. Rusty Bullethole misinterprets:

The erection of a 5 foot snow cock on Chav Drive, Derby, UK epitomised the sense of impending doom throughout the UK this weekend. Local layabout Andrew Brown lamented whilst consuming his 5th can of White Flash, “I dunt giya fook.”

Snow – There are always hidden dangers

Councillors and journalists alike have refused to take a blase attitude and attempts to diffuse this apathy have been vehement. “There is clearly a need for alarm.”, slurred Rusty Bullethole of the Campaign for Local Apathy Protection. Our information group aims to get the message into the public domain that action is required. “If people want more information on apathy protection they should come and join us – get involved with CLAP.”

Despite the Newspapers having little to report on than the obligatory airport closure, cancelled bus runs and the clusters of local schools closures the public are not heeding the warnings put out by central government. Hoardes of people have been seen out in the snow smiling and laughing not caring about the messages of death and disaster that have been delivered perpetually through our doorsteps, into our newsagents and pasted across every news channel with the same overturned lorry spilling a lethal cocktail of orange juice, chicken livers and Calgon.

Schools - breeding grounds for H&S issues

Snow – it makes people drive like twats

Rusty Bullethole labelled the ongoing snow bound antics of the British Public as “Wreckless and blatantly spitting a greenie in the face of public concern”. Many a journalist can feed their young now during the coming weeks by researching and publishing many a doom-laden phrase, such as ‘cold snaps’, ‘temperature inversions’, ‘global cooling’ up to, and including, the irresistible ’ice ages’.

Mr Bald Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Twat mumbled, “….poxy microphone out of my face you little prick.” before launching a scathing attack on, we assume, the British Public for their failure to react to such knee-jerk hyperbole and misrepresentation of fact, “cocking tossers”, with reaction continuing by kicking a fire hydrant and attempting to employ it as a metaphor, “See that? It’s there and not affecting anything.” cadjoled the folically challenged editor who then proceeded to rip it out of the ground and throw it at a scattering of desperate hacks whilst trumpeting “where’s your god now, eh, WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?”

With such a stark statement it is clear that we the public do not know, nor appreciate, the dangers presented to us by things in general. Sure, the snow may ‘look’ like it is thawing, it even may ‘feel warm’ but at the behest of the journalistic hierarchy the public are urged to observe the reality of the situation and should at all times bow to the knowledge of the Press Association.

“I didn’t realise it could be so bad.” reflected Andrew Brown after his 7th can of White Flash, “I’m sat out here in my jeans and jumper when I just read I might be dying of hypothermia. It could be happening to everyone.”

At 10:19am on Monday 6th February 2012, after his 8th can of White Flash, Andrew Brown sadly lost the battle to retain the use of his sense of personal responsibility. Black cans will be purchased throughout the morning in memory of this loss of common sense.

Super Cider – the British alternative to emotion

World Islands Subside – Converse Reaction Booms

TWK overseas correspondent Andy Brown flew out to Dubai to report on the world famous ‘Globe Islands’, and found theres more to the Metropolis than meets the eye.

A tiny set of islands located off the coast of Dubai. They look like the Earth. New plans suggest that a new set of islands, to mimic the Moon are to be built next door, in the Sea of Tranquillity, so why the fuss?

Known locally as the ‘Flawless Islands’ (a turn of phrase used extensively by civil engineers to describe their foundation type, whilst simultaneously describing their beauty), they contain various small islands to make what is essentially a ‘giant art attack’, if seen from Space – something Neil Buchanan would be extremely proud of.

World Islands, Dubai – Neil Buchanan would jizz in his pants.

Local expat, Dick Vieney, moved to the island habitat 7 years ago, and says that something is not quite right in the waters.

“When we first came here the place was a dream. You could shout happily to your neighbours across the waters, and expect to hear a muffled response within say 2 to 3 minutes. I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve relied on my neighbours from number 52a (next door) for spare sugar at a cost of a few hundred dollars, they were a mere 90 foot from my front door. You could park a ship between our islands, literally!”

Unfortunately due to construction subsidence, and changing tides, the distance between Dick and his ‘neighbours’ is now almost 1000 feet and regular passing of sugar now costs £1 million dollars minimum. This has lead to a rare degenerative medical condition where his understanding in the value of money has slowly declined over the years, known in the medical world as “lirazerosis”.

Dick said “it makes that gameshow ‘Who wants be an Italian Millionaire?’ look like a reality TV show!”

However, now in an ironic twist of fate, and unbeknown to the civil engineers who designed the islands, the construction subsidence has lead to a ‘real-time’ model on how the world would look from 2056 when global warming hits its peak and global sea level rise had taken full effect on the planets terra firma, leading to acclaimed awards for the failing construction project. The islands had recently been applauded by those in the engineering sector, the project winning the Institute of Civil Engineer Project of the Year Award for 2056, a mere 44 years before its existence!

Lead global warming expert, Professor D. Icer, said in a statement to the National Science Council “to predict what the Earth would like like in 2056 down to the finest detail is astounding, how a team takes both soil engineering properties together with global warming mechanisms and amalgamates the two sciences is beyond me”.

Global Warming: Making driving a bit harder than usual.

This has lead to various universities across the United States begin practising new Bachelor Degrees in the hybrid science ‘Pedometoscopsodology’ and has proved immensely popular with new students.

19 year old doofus Roger Knoshmeov said “i hadnt even heard of the subject before, it blows me and my friends away. Every time”

New Console Talk Game Shunned by Retailers

Next month sees the launch of the much awaited real-time game “Talkback”. However, skeptics have denounced the new piece of entertainment software and there is fear that a retail backlash will prevent the launch of the game itself.

Talkback will cost in the region of £45, equivalent to a gram of coke, from most good sellers…IF it is realeased. So what is it and what’s all the hubub?

TWK gaming expert Rusty Bullethole investigates.

“It is essentially a marriage guidance game. It is a 2 player interaction game where the partners each wear a headset and communicate with each other via cartoonised characters on the screen. It takes the edge off of situations as when the characters are conversing they do cute things like dance therefore making the conversation between the two characters less tense.”

So how does it work and what are the benefits from this? TWK relationship counsellor Andy Brown goes into unnecessary detail.

“Definitely a tension diffuser, the game centres around the two characters exploring a pretend and magical world and stimulates conversation that enhances the teamwork required to complete the game.” spurted the string basher during a monumental washing up campaign.

“The game stimualtes interaction between the two characters and there are an array of objects, puzzles, tasks and tests for the ‘couple’ to complete. The developers clearly see the goal as completing the game will result in a better relationship where expression becomes paramount and understanding is comprehensive. Why do you think I’m washing up?”

When asked if there had been a noticeable improvement in his relationship with the wife he pointed to the sink again and said, “all roads lead to sex and I’m a 24 hour drivin’ man” [cue repeated thrusting movement of abdomen]. We assume he will be avoiding toll roads.

Game developer Tommy Disfiger of FCP Games, noted skeptics of Talkback, made this statement:

“Computer games aren’t about communication and interaction, they are about solitude and generating recluses in order to reduce the population. How are we going to cope if people have working relationships? What happens to all the lawyers?”

Tommy went on further to explain potentially devastating pitfalls:

“What if it doesn’t work. Frustration creeps in and before you know it the sirens are wailing. We could end up with wireless controllers being used as implements in anal rape and who would want to touch the controller after that?”.

Signs – They give an indication of the type of area you are in.

Talkback will be not be available in all stores by the end of Octember.

The Weasel Kickers – "Shit Band, No Fans"

Not sucking the cock of the music industry