Monthly Archives: January 2012

New Super Road Approved by Local Government

TWK have recently been passed documents which highlight approved plans by the Government to implement and construct a new motorway located to the west of Birmingham, dubbed by transportation experts as “every traffic jam’s worst nightmare”.

The construction design will form a 1 mile stretch of highway and combine every motorway name in the UK. Known as the M178675812, the new proposal has troubled the local streetwork department since the idea was nothing more than a conversation between various public bodies.

Les, 49, from Birmingham City Council said “the new road name is utterly ridiculous, how are people suppose to navigate their way to the motorway easily using their sat nav devices whilst driving and talking at the same time. It should be illegal!”

Skelmersdale - finding the way home.

The North West – they want you gone.

The construction period will see the formation of a new partnership agreement unseen before, with predicted construction times of at least 20 years, and see billions wiped from the bottom lines of local councils. The majority of time and money being spent on hiring Les out for the construction time using nothing more than a trowel and a spade.

It is said that numerous insurances are covered within the total expenditure, with numerous other construction firms queuing up behind Les should he fail. A spokesman from Pardon Aggregates was recently quoted at a Civil Engineering ballroom dance, saying “Spaghetti Junction was for breakfast by comparison, the M178675812 is the main course!”.

Which leaves us wondering what the Government has install for the British public for dessert, or will Les be the one with the indigestion?

Outbreak Of F&%king Tourette’s due to Train

Mystery Outbreak Of Tourette’s At US School

SHORT NEWS: Erin Brockovitch Spill is Polluting Students Minds - An outbreak of Erin Brockovitch eco-paranoia is sweeping across New York it is reported. The Government fears this could lead to a further outbreak of the over-zealous over-conservative and self-congratulating, self-preserving ‘specialists’.

Government officials and scientists have identified that pollution from a train spill has definitely not caused a fucking outbreak of pretend Tourettes in a cocking school, so slag off. However, this has not stopped continual campaigning by Brockovitch to create work for pretend specialists to endlessly speculate upon for vast sums of public money.

Professor Andrew Brown of Sodov University has slammed remarks that this is in anyway real, “F%$k you news man.”

Contaminated Land Specialist Rusty Bullethole did not respond but sat in a corner rubbing his hands together mouthing the letters P, F and I over and over again.

Tourettes - Worth Putting on a T-shirt

New York Kids – too much GoodFellas

‘Small’ Turnout Disrupts Kiwi Hobbit Casting Session

http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/police-called-to-the-hobbit-casting.html

 ’Small’ turnout disrupts Kiwi Hobbit Casting

TWK were surprised recently to hear from colleagues in New Zealand when the local populus went “bat-shit crazy” at a local casting session for a new movie, affectionately referred to locally as “The greatest event to grace New Zealand mate”.

New Zealand - A Photoshop Opportunity

New Zealand – gives Photoshop a workout

Almost 5,000 hopefuls descended upon the casting arena, a small racecourse off Whakapootee Way, in Charleston. They visited hoping to be rewareded with a big part in the movie. TWK band members Rusty Bullethole and Andy Brown didn’t partake in the procedings, but watched the madness unfold from a nearby motorway.

Andy B reported “its like mass hysteria down there, the biggest gang-bang to take place amongst the smallest people on the planet. You could place your thumb at arms length and cover a thousand people”.

Latest reports suggested that one vertically challenged hopeful from Italy was offended when the Director of the forthcoming movie hollered across the crowd “somebody get me an 18 inch guiseppe”. The dwarf later realised that the Director was, in fact, asking for a pizza after a long day behind the cameras. Guiseppe was quite relieved after this mix-up as his timid 3 inches was “never going to be enough”.

Government officials are concerned as to what will happen to the amount of discarded wannabe-hobbits post audition but the news of a new Wombles film to also be shot in the area has alleviated fears.

a great chance for shorties to shine

The Wombles – creating job opportunities for Hobbit rejects

Council Compensation Claimants in Bodge-up Row

TWK were made aware this lunchtime of the rising demand for education in clamaint culture, with pupils exercising their right to compensate their own purses from the taxpayers money. 

One pupil, affectionately referred to as ‘Bezza’ from an un-named school said “i can sit ‘ere yeah and hear teachers spouting rubbish yeah, or i can slip on my backside ova there yeah and earn a few wonga, deffo meks sense yeah”.

Anti-Compensation Culture Sign

Anti-Compensation Culture Sign: more needed in and around deeper puddles.

The statement above comes soon after the local Council published figures publically which pointed a proportional rise in claimants, when drawn on a graph against the population of Canis lupus in Uganda.

TWK band member Rusty Bullethole stated in a post-dinner lunchtime statement:

“I recently attended a parents evening, lead by the resident maths teacher Desmond ‘Socrates’ Moment, where it was clear that compensation culture was rife.  One parent stated they had claimed for £8,651 and 89 pence, and were now dining out on a 80 pound turkey for Christmas.  This was counter-acted by another parent who had recently bought a new ford focus zetec model by accummulating numerous payments of compensation over a 25 year period.”

Mere violence then ensued when the maths teacher told them that “pythagoros once professed that there is a triangle in every corner, and you will both end-up locked in a vicious circle” ; the parents baffled by the obvious geometric problem.

Screams could be heard from the rising madness at the PTA meeting.  Intermittent statements of “it doesnt even make sense” could be heard from within the echoey school gym.

A spokesman from other TWK band member Andy Brown said “this sort of mindless violence is to be expected.  You don’t play with fire, do you? You dont mix nitro with glicerine do you? You dont combine zumba with salsa, and expect to get away with it.  An ‘eye for eye’, thats what I say”

TWK will follow up this story when the violence stops and more claimants come forward to obtain ridiculous sums of money.

Sportsday Live – Transfer Deadline Day

No Movement for Weasels on Deadline Day – official statement from WeaselOffice. Despite the cold it seems that transfer rumours are rife although there has been an unambiguous statement from the WeaselOffice.

Early season rumours of various movements in and out of the weasel fold were today quashed like a Ryan Giggs Shag Story. “There may be a possibility for a temporary loan out but that would be on a gig-by-gig basis and it would be in the short term as we need our full squad for the upcoming fixtures.”, said reserve team coach Rusty Bullethole.

Transfer Bollox - Pele to sign for Mansfield Town - Confirmed!

It has been rumoured that there may be a loan signing coming in to the Weasel fold but again the WeaselOffice has been very cagey about this, possibly to put other suitors off the scent. “We like to do our business in private.”, noted head coach Andy Brown. “I don’t like my business to be smeared all over for the public to see. I like keeping my business close to me. I know my business and I like it. Others can see my business when the time is right but until then my business is my own and what I do with it is of little concern to anyone else.”, spouted the guitar player.

“I’ve seen Andy do his business before. It’s worth watching, he’s got better at it over the years. Especially at this point in the season. If you want a lesson in how to do your business, then watch this man. You could watch him do his business all week and still be learning stuff on Friday afternoon. The shear amount of business sometimes can be quite amazing.” [Rusty Bullethole]

HRW Andrew Brown

Andrew Brown – As strict as team coaches get

Rusty Bullethole once had a half season as a professional at League Two side Fostock Argonauts. Enjoying his time there back in the heady days of 1987 Bullethole  went on to make several appearances at other League Two grounds until injury forced an early retirement. Speaking about Bullethole on Football Focus Gary Lineker said he had rarely met anyone like Bullethole and there has not been a better floodlight lightbulb replacement technician since. “I’ve not been the same since I bent my fingers, but I can still look back on those good times.”

You can read the full story in the forthcoming book “Bullethole – 400 Watts, 13 Amps but One Way of Life”. Available nowhere soon.

Weasel Kicker Practice Goes On

Brave band members Andy B and Rusty B will soldier on tonight despite fears that temperatures in the UK could reach ‘quite cold’. Armed to the teeth with gloves, scarves and various other items of clothes the boys will not let this ‘chilly spell’ stop them working away on the forthcoming releases and also will not falter in their attempts to practice for the next gig.

Weasel Member (as his friends call him) Rusty Bullethole explains, “Yes I understand that temperatures might be as low as very cold. Maybe we’ll practice in the house tonight.”

When confronted with the conundrum in the early hours of the morning fellow Member Andy B also commented, “f&*k off its 5 int morning.”

The Weasel Kickers practice is broadcast tonight live from the 2nd storey window.

The Weasel Kickers go WordPress

Welcome to The Weasel Kickers website.

We have moved to a WordPress site for ease of use and slimability. Probably not as dynamic but hey, it serves a purpose. Banging stuff. TWK have been doing a lot recently in the non-music making sense and all the admin has been interesting but we might actually be making moves back to making music again soon and you should see the fruits of our labour germinating in 2012. Love you guys. Keep em peeled and we’ll keep you up to date. :) Peace.

The Weasel Kickers - Logo designed by SherryBaby Mural Designs

The Weasel Kickers - Logo designed by SherryBaby Mural Designs